Tuesday, April 3, 2018

2018 Name of the Year: Fruithandler Regional, Round One

Last night, the NCAA tournament predictably ended with the monotonous Mainliners mangling Michigan. This year, we of the High Committee found ourselves agnostic to the tournament that serves as our inspiration. Whereas competitions past have featured March Madness monikers like God Shammgod, Sindarius Thornwell, and Koko Archibong, this year no one in the NCAA tournament was able to crack our Super 64. Ages ago, Mikal Bridges and Moritz Wagner may have been shoo-ins, but, in the hyper-competitive world of 2018, they couldn’t make it past our first cut. 

As Bulltron Regional voting continues, we post now the Fruithandler Memorial Region. Formerly the Sithole, this region has been rechristened for at least this year in honor of 2004 Name of the Year and Hall of Name inductee Jerome Fruithandler, honored for the “evocative imagery of his surname and its delicious contrast with an always tasty first name,” a beloved business owner and father. 

Here at NOTY, we love dads. Last year, 12-seed Headman Dadzie upset High Committee favorite Jeffrosenberg Tan. The year before, we crowned the great papa himself, Pope McCorkle III, as Name of the Year. While feminists understandably speak of a desire to smash the Crystal Patriarche, we have a soft spot in our heart for dads, but one fatherly feature we do not favor is the flat, predictable Dad Joke. A good pun name like Genghis Cohen will always make us grin, but lame wordplay like “Hi Hungry, I’m Dad” has no place in our bracket (until one of you sends us a contestant named Hungry, or, even better, Hungry Dada). Indonesia even has a word for jokes so lame you cannot help but laugh: jayus.

At least one naminee vying for the 2018 NOTY title loves a good Dad Joke—the alliterative Fruithandler five-seed Shamoil Shipchandler (pictured above). After a decorated career as a lawyer in white collar criminal litigation, he took over as regional director of the Securities and Exchange Commission in Fort Worth in 2015. His tenure overseeing accountants and compliance officers began unremarkably to the outside observer. Everything changed in April 2016, when the official twitter account of the SEC in Fort Worth began tweeting out of character: 


Normally when a verified, staid account veers off script, the intern or employee behind the change gets the ax. In this case, though, it turns out that the rebellion came from the top—the culprit was Shipchandler himself. Today, the jokes continue, drawing confusion, groans, and even the ire of one narcissistic billionaire Presidential hopeful: Mark Cuban

Shipchandler's groan-worthy tweets, however, are driven in part by the idea that generating attention on social media, even through means that have nothing to do with official government affairs, is good for business. “You’ve got to make sure that they want to see your content,” Shipchandler said of Twitter users. “Then, if they want to see your content, you can add in things that you think they should know about and they’ll end up seeing because they follow you.”

While the Director has a cerebral social media strategy to explain his shift, we humbly offer another explanation: His family grew tired of the jokes and he needed another outlet. If Shamoil has a chance to become Director of the Fruithandler Region, he’ll need his jayus-jiving audience to protect him from first-round upset by northeast Ohio pediatrician Dr. Megha Panda. Vote on Shipchandler's matchup and the rest of the Fruithandler Region below, and don't forget to follow us on Twitter.

FRUITHANDLER REGIONAL, ROUND ONE

#1 Makenlove Petit-Fard, Florida football player vs. #16 Dr. Pitt Derryberry, psychology professor at Western Kentucky University


#8 Babucarr Fatty, accused of violent crime, vs. #9 Sparkle Hayter, Canadian author


#5 Shamoil Shipchandler vs. #12 Dr. Megha Panda


#4 Corky Boozé, California politician, vs. #13 Darwin Tabacco, who held out at home during Hurricane Irma


#6 Dr. Birchann Paffenbarger, Colorado chiropractor, vs. #11 Covadonga del Busto Naval, Spaniard


#3 Blossom Albuquerque, transit analyst, vs. #14 Obra Kernodle IV, chief of staff to Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf


#7 Sir'Zion Dance, inside linebacker, vs. #10 Devoid Couch of Ohio


#2 Reverend Dongo Pewee, Liberian-Canadian pastor, vs. #15 Jempy Drucker, Luxembourgish cyclist