Friday, March 17, 2017

2017 Name of the Year: Bulltron Regional, Round One



Chrotchtange Regional six-seed Teena Touch is poised for a deep run through this year’s tournament, and if a certain financier can find his way through the Bulltron Regional, we could be looking at an all-tactile final. British venture capitalist Guy Hands, the Bulltron’s 14-seed, is a power player whose reach is felt in multiple industries. Will his name touch voters?

Mr. Hands, the founder of Terra Firma Capital, is a headline writer’s dream. The imagery inherent in his handle allows readers to paint a strong mental figure, so when we’re told he props up, chops, bags, and takes bites out of his operations, we can imagine his paws performing the tasks at hand.

As for his first name, we haven’t seen it in Name of the Year since 2005 contender Guy America, but if there’s one NOTY Guy who Mr. Hands relates to, it’s 2010’s Rich Tanguy, whose name evokes Mr. Hands substantial capital. This year’s Guy has grabbed stakes in everything from record labels to vineyards to McDonald’s, and his sphere of influence spreads across much of Northern Europe. Meanwhile, he lives in the tax haven of Guernsey and avoids trips across the English channel. He is, in many parts of Britain, the invisible Hands.

Based the 14-seed we have conferred upon, we at the NOTY High Committee clearly do not prefer Mr. Hands to his first-round opponent, English teacher Alpha McMath. In NOTY, March Madness, and life, though, anything can happen, and our Guy knows that well. “The experts got it wrong last year,” he said of Brexit in a 2016 interview with Bloomberg, “and if we want to predict what will happen in 2017, we may just as well look to the stars.”

Whether you prefer to select your NOTY choices by divining the positions of the celestial bodies or by some other method, now is the time to begin voting. The eight first-round matchups of the Bulltron lay before you; make like Mr. Hands and wield the power at your disposal.

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BULLTRON REGIONAL, ROUND ONE

#1 Kobe Buffalomeat, Illinois St. football recruit, vs. #16 Hunter Humann, a wide receiver.


#8 Wilbert Goatley, Jr., a pastor, vs. #9 Cherish Bloodgood from a 1981 court case.


#4 Rushmore Cervantes, General Manager of the Los Angeles Housing and Community Investment Department, vs. #13 Melanie Gubbels Bupp, a biology professor.


#6 YourMajesty Lumpkins, witness to a shooting, vs. #11 Tutz Honeychurch, Hawaii Senate candidate.


#3 Alpha McMath vs. #14 Guy Hands


#7 H. King Buttermore III, a lawyer, vs. #10 Shaft Cubit, a football player.


#2 Bonjovi Hardeman of Mississippi vs. #15 Dredrick Snelson, Jr. of the UCF Knights football team.