Tuesday, March 22, 2016

2016 Name of the Year: Sithole Regional, Round 1


Emzy Veazy III discusses his background Wednesday morning at the Little Nell Hotel.

As we continue our quest to ascribe the alias of the annum, we move to the Sithole regional, where we find an ebullient epistolary entity who exasperates editorial boards.

Holed up in Aspen, Colorado's Pitkin County Library, Emzy reads newspapers voraciously and responds to their editors, often with outrage. With a mix of sanctimony and acrimony, he attacks the small town politics of Aspen, Colorado and Burbank, California, his two home towns. The Aspen Times runs rants from Emzy so often that readers regularly contact the paper’s leadership asking to cease printing his thoughts. Emzy also finds time to scribble screeds to local papers about school closing in New York City and town governance structures in Idaho.

Between his notes telling people to get off his lawn and better adhere to flag code, Veazy sends compositions that perhaps can be best classified as “Old Man Yells at Clouds”. USA Today ran a letter from him affirming the existence of sexually attractive women working in Hollywood. During the 2011 US military operations against Muammar Gaddafi in Libya, MZVZIII wrote this letter to the Times of Malta to express, uh, well, it’s not really clear. Perhaps not to be outdone, this past summer Emzy wrote a letter to the New Haven Register just to let the people of Connecticut know that he saw their Governor from a distance. 

The epistolary Emzy faces off in the first round against Israel tech CEO Oozi Cats. Can the long lost art of the letter overcome a man whose name sounds as if it was dreamed up by an Internet-loving gamer? If Veazy goes goodbye, we at the High Committee fully expect a letter of disdain to hit our email account post haste. In the meantime, cast your votes below, and stay tuned to Twitter for updates.

SITHOLE REGIONAL

#1 Pope McCorkle III, Duke University professor, vs. #16 Kiwi Comizio, Yale University lacrosse player.


#8 Oozi Cats vs. #9 Emzy Veazy III.


#5 Dr. Kim Nazi, sociology PhD, vs. #12 Saint Schwing, football player.


#4 Snookie Catholique, Canadian public official, vs. #13 Boy Waterman, Dutch goalie.


#6 Cosmo Bjorkenheim, bookstore owner, vs. #11 Misty Mints, police spokeswoman.


#3 Scholastique Koolimo of Maryland, vs. #14 Zulaika Mook, public official in Curaçao.


#7 Dick Tips, funeral home owner, vs. #10 Amethyst Valentino, karaoke host.


#2 Attila Freska, business professor, vs. #15 Rigoberto Urán Urán, Colombian cyclist.