Thursday, April 9, 2015

2015 Name of the Year: Dragonwagon and Chrotchtangle Regionals, Round Two

Saying goodbye can be so difficult. 

In both the Chrotchtangle and Dragonwagon Regionals, we have bid adieu to many wondrous oddities. But it is upon the discarded husks of Hackwelders and Henchmen that we seek our acme -- the Name of the Year. [roll credits]. Our closest matchup came from Odd Hackwelder's face-off against Dwellie Striggles, where Mr. Striggles wriggled out of the jaws of defeat by a mere five votes. That's the tightest race we've seen so far this year, and we can only expect things to get more heated as we race to the top.

Reviewing the carnage from the initial round of voting, fifteen of our sixteen favorites from across these two regionals beat their underdog challengers en route to round two. It was only poor Jeravicious Raven who didn't quite have the bite to surmount his opponent, Handsome Monica. But we're not surprised, because Handsome Enrique Ray Monica is no stranger to obstacles.

Coming in this year as a catcher for the Arizona Wildcats, Mr. Monica is aware that his determination will go a long way. "...In order to find playing time, I need to learn how to push myself", he vowed. Wildcats Coach Andy Lopez also refuses to let Monica's wonderful, strong name become a distraction. Although Lopez calls most of his players by their last names, he eschews the practice for Mr. Monica because "'Monica' is a woman's name." Instead, Lopez has drawn from the deep well of hyper-masculine replacement monikers and chosen..."Kiki" as his nickname of choice.

Was Handsome always Handsome though? Well, as it turns out, no. Handsome Monica was born in Mandeville, Lousiana as Donald Ray Monica. But early on his mom decided she "didn't like" Donald Ray and began only calling her little cherub what she saw: Handsome. At age 13, when young Handsome was informed that no nicknames were allowed his new private school, there was only one recourse: change the name.  

And while he is proud of his unique name, part of being a smart competitor is picking your battles. Mr. Monica admits to ordering takeout at his local Chinese food place as "John", just to keep the process simple.  

Handsome may be a dashing young man, but he has quite the battle ahead of him, as he faces off against the Dragonwagon regional's top dog, one-seed Littice Bacon-Blood. Will our Handsome darling be able to stave off Lattice's porcine, sanguine machine? Will an Infinite supply of Grovers be enough to take down the gargantuan Genghis Muskox? Will Beethoven Bong be able to smoke the calculating terror, Dr. Data Longjohn? And will Malvina Complainville give a certain Hughey a run for her Queeniemoney? The decision, dear reader, is yours and yours alone to make. Vote below today! 


#1 Littice Bacon-Blood, who fried #16 Win Thin, vs. #9 Handsome Monica, who said "nevermore" to #8 Jeravicious Raven.

#5 Dr. Wallop Promthong, who walloped #12 Psalm Wooching, vs. #4 Dwellie Striggles, who hacked through #13 Odd Hackwelder.

#6 Sherry Pennyjelly, whose parade of nouns stopped #11 Apollo Jolly, vs. #3 Cameo Crispi, who burned #14 Gladstone Dainty.

#7 Infinite Grover, who was super against #10 Kapri Bibbs, vs. #2 Genghis Muskox, who unleashed his horde upon #15 Joe Henchman


#1 Mussolini Africa, who conquered #16 Lyric Generals, vs. #8 Miraculous Powers, who melted down #9 Silver Bronzo.

#5 Queeniemoney Hughey, who sang "We are the Champions" against #12 Q Drennan, vs. #4 Malvina Complainville, who lodged a victory against #13 Alexcion Void.

#6 Dr. Data Longjohn, who pantsed #11 Shyanthony Synigal, vs. #3 Beethoven Bong, who inhaled #14 Zeke Faux.

#7 Tunis van Peenen, who slaughtered #10 Rocky Porco, vs. #2 Amanda Miranda Panda, who ate shoots and leaves against #15 Shanda Licking.

Debate. Vote. Tweet.