Monday, March 30, 2015

2015 Name of the Year: Dragonwagon Regional, Round One

We're moving on without laggin', so it's time for the Dragonwagon. In the third of our four regionals, top-seeded Littice Bacon-Blood, a self-described “Eternal Optimist,” faces a field of worthy competition from across the onomastic spectrum. Whether it’s hometown hero Handsome Monica or “Eternal Pessimist” Odd Hackwelder, one thing is clear: seeds two through 16 are out for (Bacon-)Blood.

In order for Mrs. Bacon-Blood to rise to the top, though, she will need to overcome more than just the Dwellie Striggles of life. The veteran journalist, who has reported in the New Orleans area for more than 20 years, will first need to topple Win Thin, a senior currency strategist and just all-around super smart-sounding dude. Mr. Thin’s unorthodox combination of low seed and high intellect could very well make him the ideal underdog to upset Mrs. Bacon-Blood's path toward the NOTY crown.

The most interesting backstory in the regional belongs to three-seed Cameo Crispi, who was arrested on felony charges after attempting to burn down her ex-boyfriend’s house with nothing more than a pound of bacon. Crispy, indeed! That kind of determination will assist the alliterative arsonist in our competition. Ms. Crispi faces off against 14-seed Gladstone Dainty, the Guyana-born president of the USA Cricket Association and also--according to Gawker’s beer blog for sad dads--an accountant in Hyattsville, MD. Crispi vs. Dainty? Truly a matchup of Ways I’d Prefer You Didn’t Prepare My Steak.

Further down the bracket, we find 15-seed Joe Henchman, whom many readers believe to be underrated. It's true that Mr. Henchman follows in the footsteps of short, punchy, all-American naminees like Joe Shortsleeve (2011), Rich Tanguy (2010), and Jonny Kool (2009). While those men all carried higher seeds than 15, we couldn't resist setting up a scenario in which a Henchman is most likely to get offed early on. It may not work out that way, since Mr. Henchman and his fans seem to have a lot to say. He's building a strong NOTY resume to match his impressive work as the Vice President of Operations at the Tax Foundation, where he is “among four people who ‘will likely dominate the field in the next 10 years.’”He has authored over 75 major studies on tax policy, presumably without the help of even one of these guys.

So who is it going to be? Buckle up and hold on tight, because it’s time to vote for the first round of the Dragonwagon Regional:


#1 Littice Bacon-Blood, veteran New Orleans journalist, vs. #16 Win Thin, international economist.

#8 Jeravicious Raven, owner of the Ravens Room Restaurant in Wichita, vs. #9 Handsome Monica, catcher for the Arizona Wildcats.

#5 Dr. Wallop Promthong, assistant professor of Agricultural Technology at the Rajamangala University of Technology, vs. #12 Psalm Wooching, outside linebacker for the Washington Huskies.

#4 Dwellie Striggles, a defensive back for the Buffalo Bulls, vs. #13 Odd Hackwelder, inventor of “a colorful & exciting playing card system with a growing collection of unique and challenging games.”

#6 Sherry Pennyjelly, secretary of the definitely-not-evil-sounding Information Technology Agency, vs. #11 Apollo Jolly, who crashed his friend's car.

#3 Cameo Crispi, pork-wielding arsonist, vs. #14 Gladstone Dainty, cricketer and CPA.

#7 Infinite Grover, resident of a building where a Chinese food delivery man was murdered, vs. #10 Kapri Bibbs, NFL hopeful with a “gregarious nature.”

#2 Genghis Muskox, a free-spirited Alaska man (RIP), vs. #15 Joe Henchman, tax policy expert.