Monday, November 25, 2013

Leo Moses Spornstarr is Your 2013 Name of the Year

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A champion has finally been named.

Okay, if you're into semantics, Leo Moses Spornstarr was named twenty-some years ago. But as a commenter pointed out, there is no prior Spornstarr line, no Spornstarr family crest, no awkward yearly gatherings of Spornstarrs. Our champ is a thoroughly modern creature, the product of the commendably egalitarian but hopelessly naive union of a Sporn and a Starr.

On second thought, perhaps it's a mistake to conjecture that the portmanteau was an accident. Who are we to assume that Leo's folks are anything other than delightfully droll jokesters who jumped at their one-in-a-million onomastic opportunity? Who are we to rule out the possibility that the hyphen-free mashup was a well-intentioned parenting tactic, a contemporary Boy-Named-Sue situation? Who are we, dear reader, to dismiss the idea that Ms. Sporn and Mr. Starr had ambitions for their son's performance in this very tournament -- which has after all been around longer than he has? However it came about, our Leo may be the only Spornstarr in the world. The only Spornstarr in history, even. We don't know if he has siblings.

Let's recap: the 2-seed out of the Chrotchtangle Regional manhandled #15 Junior Lomomba and crushed #7 Carlton Crunk. He dispatched upstart 14-seed Ram Amandeep in the Sweet Sixteen without much fuss, proving that the best way to take down a bawdy name is with another bawdy name. He brought down the top-seeded Fancy English, Jr. in the Elite Eight. In the final four, Smokey Don Pipes of the Dragonwagon went up in flames. And as of last night, Leo secured his place in the history books by vanquishing Bulltron powerhouse Pornsak Pongthong. Here's to you, Leo.

(Sidenote: the one-point margin in the poll is artificially close; the actual differential is closer to 60 votes. Our analytics show that a lone rogue voter tried to inflate Pornsak's score after midnight but before I closed the poll. Improbably and miraculously, I noticed just in time, with one vote left before the scales tipped. Ugly crisis of second-guessing legitimacy averted -- but don't do that, people. Play fair: one vote per voter.)

Aside from that unsavory hiccup, thank you all for following along, voting, and making our first shift at the helm of the tourney a rousing success. We'll be back for March Madness in 2014. Name on.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

2013 Name of the Year Title Match: Pornsak Pongthong vs. Leo MosesSpornstarr

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Of course.

By our estimation McWisdom Badejo was an unlikely favorite, but he had a sizable cadre of supporters this round, nearly landing an upset against the fiercest Thai challenger this side of Ong-Bak. And Smokey Don Pipes, conqueror of Bossy-Nobs, had to grapple with giants to reach the summit of one of this year's most competitive regions. Both are great names.

But this is the Internet, and the Internet is for porn. You, voter, have provided compelling evidence for the truism - the guts and glory of the past months aside, the fact is that the two names out of our 64 which contain a certain four-letter string are the two names left standing by popular consensus. Of course they are.

Not that they don't deserve it. Pornsak and Spornstarr both have positively side-splitting names, and each has been shoved through a grueling onomastic wringer in his own region to emerge unscathed at the edge of the winner's circle. So here it is, folks: the climax, the money shot, the pairing we've all been waiting for. The most exciting moment of 2013, some might say.

On the left: Pornsak Pongthong, Sriracha FC defensive midfielder.
On the right: Leo Moses Spornstarr, aspiring actuary.

Which will be 2013's Name of the Year? The choice is yours.

[polldaddy poll=7581260]

Voting ends Sunday. Follow us on Twitter. Also, check out this statement from the original NOTY High Committee.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

NOTY: Under New Management


The NOTY High Committee is old.

That's the only explanation we can conjure for our rank abdication of this esteemed event, that which grounded our lives for more than a quarter century; which gave the world Barkevious MingoAssumption Bulltron, Honka Monka and Crescent Dragonwagon (who's in the news, by the way; her mom died); which brightened countless days; which lifted the hearts of a nation.

We dropped the ball in 2012, after a, um, let's just call it protracted 2011 NOTY Tournament. We weren't proud, of course. But we weren't feeling especially guilty either. It was a good run. Good runs come to an end.

We hoped, though, that someday, someone would emerge with the brains, desire, moxie and scrappitude to reraise the NOTY banner and carry it forward. And a couple of months ago, they did. Young Sam and Tom, pained by our disappearance, took it upon themselves to compile a 2013 NOTY Tournament bracket. We were notified by a friend at Deadspin, which Tom and Sam had smartly emailed, and we got in touch. We were flattered by their fealty. We were impressed with their writing, and their bracket. We approved of their cheeky but appropriately respectful land-grab. We turned over the keys to the kingdom: the email password. 

As the NOTY High Committee was born around the time JFK died, and as we approach the anniversary of that death, let us paraphrase his inaugural (as we did on Twitter a few weeks ago):

Let the NOTY word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that the torch has been passed to a new generation—born around 1990, tempered by Danger Guerrero, disciplined by Mummenschontz Bitterbeetle (invalidated) and Shalom Dreampeace, infatuated with Vanilla Dong, determined to manifest our Destiny Frankenstein—and unwilling to witness the slow undoing of those onomastic rights to which NOTY has always been committed, and to which we are committed today on the NOTY blog and around the internets.

As with most of our NOTY endeavors of recent years, this news comes late. NOTY 2013 is already down to a Final Four. So head on over to the new, though possibly temporary, site and vote. Once this year's champion is crowned—Pornsak Pongthong or McWisdom BadejoSmokey Don Pipes or Leo Moses Spornstarr—we'll get things merged and organized and ready to roll for 2014 and beyond.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Final Four: #1 Pornsak Pongthong vs. #2 McWisdom Badejo, #4 Smokey DonPipes vs. #2 Leo Moses Spornstarr



This is it. This is the week we've all been waiting for. The Final Four begins today, with the Final commencing on Thursday. GET HYPE...AND FOLLOW US ON TWITTER.

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For a while, it seemed as if Pornsak Pongthong wouldn't make it past the monumental challenge of Yolanda Squatpump. Ultimately, he was able to outlast her and become the Bulltron Regional's Final Four representative. As the sole one seed remaining in the field, Pornsak has to be considered the odds-on favorite to emerge victorious.

That being said, each entrant in the Final Four has proved his name to be elite, and no favorite is safe. In order to make the final, Pornsak will have to get past McWisdom Badejo, who beat Baby Swinger in the Elite Eight and won the Sithole Regional. McWisdom has already toppled one top seed; will he make it two? Which athlete will prevail?

[polldaddy poll=7571894]

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On the other side of the bracket, Smokey Don Pipes was able to move on thanks to the closest match of our tournament, which ended in a tie and had to be decided in a 90-minute overtime. Smokey Don's victory is a reminder that every vote counts. If our overtime voters had preferred Leila Bossy-Nobs' chuckle-inducing last name to her opponent's mellifluous moniker, the Frenchwoman would have completed an improbable run to the Final Four. Instead, Smokey Don represents the Dragonwagon Regional.

He is up against Leo Moses Spornstarr, who emerged victorious by a healthy margin over one-seed Fancy English, Jr. and will represent the Chrotchtangle Regional in the Final Four. Leo is one of three Final Four contestants aged 26 or younger; has NOTY become a young man's game? Will Leo's youth lead the way against the decidedly riper Smokey? You decide forthwith.

[polldaddy poll=7571922]

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Please Welcome Your 2013 Name of the Year Final Four

Wow.

It took four incredibly close battles, but we have our Final Four. One matchup came down to a single vote, and another was tied at midnight and had to be decided in overtime.

Pornsak Pongthong hadn't been remotely challenged before taking on Yolanda Squatpump, and early voting had him behind the Usual Suspects crew member. Not to be outdone, Pornsak pulled off a classic March Madness comeback (in November), stormed past Squatpump, and took the victory by 22 votes. He's the last one seed standing.

At our usual midnight endpoint, Smokey Don Pipes and Leila Bossy-Nobs were dead even. 230 votes for the Oklahoman criminal, 230 votes for the French scientist. By 1:30, Leila's vote count remained stagnant, but Smokey Don had picked up another four votes, garnering him the perhaps the most nail-biting, hard-won victory of the year and the chance to represent the Dragonwagon in the Final Four. Leila, you will be dearly missed.

Leo Moses Spornstarr had the most decisive victory of the Elite Eight, easily outpacing top seeded Fancy English, Jr. by a margin of 92 votes. We're sad to see Fancy go, but a penchant for impeccable grammar will hopefully live on.

Finally, basketball player McWisdom Badejo pulled off the NOTY version of a buzzer beater, topping Baby Swinger by a single vote. Badejo fans will cherish this victory for their entire lives, while Swinger supporters will hastily change the channel whenever the matchup is rebroadcast on ESPN Classic.

The Final Four will run from Monday to Thursday. On Friday, the final will begin. Right now we're planning on letting it run through Sunday, though perhaps we will extend it a couple days to be thorough. You can help us out by voting at this most critical moment.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Dragonwagon/Chrotchtangle Regionals, Elite Eight: #4 Smokey Don Pipesvs. #7 Leila Bossy-Nobs, #1 Fancy English, Jr. vs. #2 Leo MosesSpornstarr

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We've got two potential nail-biters on today's docket, folks, as well we should; two coveted Final Four slots are on the line.

Repping the north side of the Dragonwagon: the soothing sounds of #4 Smokey Don Pipes, Oklahoma shooting suspect, who steamrolled Dr. Suparman Marzuki and Twollie Vanderwerf in past rounds. He's up against 7-seeded intergalactic warlord-queen Leila Bossy-Nobs, the nanoparticle researcher who vanquished Sincere Shears, Jackmeoff Mudd, and Fang Man. Each already has an impressive collection of trophies; which contestant will end the week on the other's mantelpiece?

[polldaddy poll=7554114]
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Trouble's brewing down in the Chrotchtangle, as well. Top-seeded bank robber Fancy English, Jr. is a force to be reckoned with: more powerful than a Hurricane, tastier on the tongue than Waffles. Still, Leo Moses Spornstarr remains the man who claimed the bounty on rogue 14-seed Ram Amandeep. Don't be fooled by the low seeding -- Amandeep was a fan favorite, an anti-hero, a people's champion. Now he's a message: you don't mess with a Spornstarr.

[polldaddy poll=7554123]
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That's it for this week. We'll give you until Sunday to vote for the winners. After that: the Final Four, then the title match. The end is nigh.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Bulltron/Sithole Regionals, Elite Eight: #1 Pornsak Pongthong vs. #2Yolanda Squatpump, #1 Baby Swinger vs. #2 McWisdom Badejo



Well, after several weeks of upsets, scares, and near-misses, both the Bulltron and Sithole Regionals are now down to the top two seeds. Both are shaping up to be titanic struggles. As a reminder, we will post two matchups today, two tomorrow, and then give you guys the rest of the week to decide the Final Four. You've all done a great job so far (especially those of you who have followed us on Twitter.)

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First up is our Clash of the Titans. It's our Duke vs. Kentucky, our Nimpson vs. Bloodsaw, our Goku vs. Vegeta, our Lincoln vs. Douglas. In one corner: Pornsak Pongthong, Thai football defender, #1 seed,  hotter than a plate of Pad Kee Mao. In the other: Yolanda Squatpump, ascendant challenger, The Usual Suspects makeup artist, and workout champion of the Bulltron. Only one of these names can reach the Final Four. Who will it be?

[polldaddy poll=7552035]

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The Sithole regional's two titans are also set for an absolute dogfight. Baby Swinger looked dead in the water against Norman Conquest, but she managed to swing the voting in her favor as if it were a newborn child. Now, she faces her hardest test yet: McWisdom Badejo, who has rolled through three rounds without being significantly tested. Methinks he'll get his first challenge this week.

[polldaddy poll=7552059]

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Sweet Sixteen Results

We thinned our flock by half again this week. Gone are the lazy days of warmer months: the competition is getting fiercer as we separate ever more chaff from the wheat in search of the cream of this year's crop. If I could work in a fourth agricultural metaphor, I would.

In the Bulltron regional:

#1 Pornsak Pongthong smoked 13-seed Marijuana Warr. I've been waiting two rounds to make that joke. It feels anticlimactic.

#2 Yolanda Squatpump barreled through #6 Dr. David L. Dickensheets. Pongthong/Squatpump should be a banner match this week.

In the Sithole regional:

Top-seeded Baby Swinger was down at the beginning of the week but rallied in the end for a close come-from-behind victory over #5 Norman Conquest.

2-seed McWisdom Badejo defeated #6 Pooky Amsterdam.

The Dragonwagon Regional was full of upsets:

#4 Smokey Don Pipes took down 1-seed Dr. Suparman Marzuki like a dimebag of Kryptonite. I am elated.

7-seeded Leila Bossy-Nobs' momentum hasn't let up one bit; challenger #3 Sincere Shears fell far short of securing a place in the Elite Eight.

In the Chrotchtangle regional:

Top-seeded Fancy English, Jr. overcame #4 Fitzroy Waffley without much trouble.

In another come-from-behind victory, #2 Leo Moses Spornstarr dispatched 14-seed Ram Amandeep. Don't scare me like that again.

There are no longer enough matches per round to fill an entire week. We'll continue apace with the Elite Eight -- two matchups tomorrow and two on Tuesday -- but then we'll leave you until the end of the week to get your votes in. As always, keep up with us on Twitter.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Chrotchtangle Regional, Sweet Sixteen: #1 Fancy English, Jr. vs. #4Fitzroy Waffley, #14 Ram Amandeep vs. #2 Leo Moses Spornstarr

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The first of the Sweet Sixteen survivors in the Chrotchtangle is Fancy English, Jr., who knocked over a North Carolina bank in the seventies. In my mind's eye, Fancy was the most genteel bank robber ever to hit the American South. He's up against another noble name, Sir Fitzroy Waffley (he's not actually a knight), who edged out Mister Love in the last round. Which will advance to the Elite Eight?

[polldaddy poll=7541952]
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Meanwhile, Ram Amandeep has come far; he's fresh off of two consecutive upsets. We admit he's got pluck for a 14-seed. But his time may have run out; #2 Leo Moses Spornstarr tolerates no false idols.

[polldaddy poll=7541947]

And that's the end of the Sweet Sixteen -- we're really getting down to the nitty gritty, people. Polls close on Sunday night as usual.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Dragonwagon Regional, Sweet Sixteen: #1 Dr. Suparman Marzuki vs. #4Smokey Don Pipes, #3 Sincere Shears vs. #10 Leila Bossy-Nobs


We're halfway through the Sweet Sixteen! That was fast. Here's our Twitter.

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Four seed Smokey Don Pipes may be the nominal underdog in our first matchup of the day, but the Oklahoman has looked like a top contender through two rounds. After a round one walk, he pasted Twollie Vanderwerf last week in a one-sided wout. His Sweet Sixteen opponent, Dr. Suparman Marzuki, took down Dusty Rust in his last matchup, but the Indonesian politician is in for a dogfight this time around. I'm half-expecting him to fly backwards around the Earth a couple times so he can spam the site with votes for Twollie.

[polldaddy poll=7539797]

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Elsewhere, Leila Bossy-Nobs will try to become the first double digit seed to make this year's Elite Eight after her shocking defeat of Jackmeoff Mudd. I'm on the record as a huge fan of hers, so I'm glad to see her spring a pair of upsets. That being said, I won't be unhappy if she falls to Sincere Shears, who won a tough battle last round against strong six seed Gorby Loreus. May the best name win.

[polldaddy poll=7539821]

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Sithole Regional, Sweet Sixteen: #1 Baby Swinger vs. #5 NormanConquest, #6 Pooky Amsterdam vs. #2 McWisdom Badejo

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The mensches over at the Filmdrunk Frotcast, who've been following along with our game, commented a while ago that the Sithole was the weakest region of the bracket. This is becoming clearer as we separate the wheat from the chaff. We're not losing sleep over it; no bracket is perfectly balanced.

Starting off the Sithole Sweet Sixteen is Baby Swinger, who took out Octavia Sheepshanks without much fuss. She's up against Norman Conquest, who last round upset Konockus Sashington, a name I still have trouble saying with a straight face. Who wins?

[polldaddy poll=7534690]
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Elsewhere, McWisdom Badejo's rout of Syndric Steptoe was unexpectedly decisive; I thought Syndric had more fight in him. He'll probably have a harder time with Pooky Amsterdam, who's got some solid momentum.

[polldaddy poll=7534692]
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See you tomorrow in the Dragonwagon. Twittah.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Bulltron Regional, Sweet Sixteen: #1 Pornsak Pongthong vs. #13Marijuana Warr, #6 David L. Dickensheets vs. #2 Yolanda Squatpump



We began with 64 names. Now there are sixteen. By the end of this week, we will cut that number in half. As always, our Twitter will have all pertinent updates.

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Top seed Pornsak Pongthong strolled past another opponent in Round 2. Bak Bak couldn't slow down our Thai juggernaut; can Marijuana Warr? The woman who beat Narnia Overall in round 2 has a chance to make it 3 upsets in 3 rounds, but she'll lose a lot of the sophomoric vote this time around.

[polldaddy poll=7532042]

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The other half of the Bulltron Sweet Sixteen features Dr. David L. Dickensheets against Yolanda Squatpump. Dickensheets did well to win his doctor fight against Skyhawk Fadigan, M.D., but Yolanda is a woman on a mission. With two blowouts under her belt, she seems destined for a pitched Elite Eight battle against Mr. Pongthong. Still, she must be careful of a classic trap name in the Sweet Sixteen. Dr. Dickensheets is the clear underdog, but he's a much stronger contender than Mrs. Squatpump's round 2 victim, Ursula A. Hofacker. The doctor must not be taken lightly.

[polldaddy poll=7532053]

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Dragonwagon/Chrotchtangle Round 2 Results, Updated Bracket

Click to enlarge.
Click to enlarge.

First order of business: the battlefield has grown bloodier since we began Round 2. The survivors are shown above.

Here's the Dragonwagon postgame:

Top-seeded Dr. Suparman Marzuki vanquished another foe. Another one bites the Dusty Rust.

#4 Don Pipes smoked his competition, 5-seed Twollie Vanderwerf. Happy twails, Twollie.

6-seed Gorby Loreus was toppled by #3
Boris YeltsinSincere Shears.

Finally, 7-seed Leila Bossy-Nobs upset 2-seed Jackmeoff Mudd. Sam and I are actually ecstatic about this. Given the strength of the voter response to easy grins like Ram Amandeep and Marijuana Warr, we had feared at the beginning that Jackmeoff might win his region (and perhaps the entire tourney) with a bullet. This week, you proved you're better than that. You did it, you guys. We did it.

In the Chrotch:

1-seed Fancy English, Jr. rocked Mr. Weathers like a Hurricane.

14-seed Ram Amandeep, purveyor of the grins mentioned above, upset 11-seed Magnus Moan.

In the week's closest matchup, #4 Fitzroy Waffley squeaked by upstart 12-seed Mister Love.

Finally, 2-seed Leo Moses Spornstarr won out over #7 Carlton Crunk.

Sweet Sixteen tomorrow. Get ready.