Monday, September 30, 2013

Sithole Regional, Round 1: #1 Baby Swinger vs. #16 Sander Van DerLinden, #8 Octavia Sheepshanks vs. #9 Frostee Rucker

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We're kicking off the Sithole Regional with a heavy hitter, folks. I feel that any attempt to add commentary to Baby Swinger's name would fall pitifully short. Her name is Baby Swinger.

She's up against Scientific American contributor and Paul Rudd doppelgänger Sander van der Linden, whose name I could read aloud for hours. Seriously, say it: Sander van der Linden. It feels like a bike ride through the foothills of the Alps.

Will Sander's dulcet lingual contours be enough to trump the blunt hilarity of Baby Swinger? Vote!

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We've got another 8-v.-9 nailbiter rounding out today's ticket. The ontological status of Cambridge University online columnist Octavia Sheepshanks has already been the subject of some subterfuge and confusion. The Independent got the final word on the subject, wherein Sheepshanks confessed that her final column, in which she exposed her persona as a fraud, was itself a hoax executed as a means of protecting herself from attacks on her character. Whatever.

Her opponent this week is Arizona Cardinals defensive end Frostee Rucker. When he was playing for the Bengals, Frostee and several teammates decided to buy two frozen yogurt franchises as a side business. (The media covered this with a remarkably straight face.)

Frostee explains how his name came to be: "My pop [Len] was a DJ while he was in the military and they called him DJ Frost because they said he was cold on the spins. [They called him] Frost, Frostee all that. No matter what he named me they were going to call me Little Frost anyway, so they named me Frostee."

Rucker or Sheepshanks? Your call!

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