Thursday, September 26, 2013

Bulltron Regional, Round 1: #7 Seventh Woods vs. #10 Ursula A. Hofacker, #2 Yolanda Squatpump vs. #15 Tore A. Torp


OK, we'll admit that we would have given Seventh Woods a 7-seed even if he belonged in the lower tiers, but the 14-year-old high school basketball star fits nicely in the middle of the field. His name comes from the day when God finished his work. If only he played golf.

In an actual March Madness bracket, Woods would be a lock until meeting fellow baller Bak Bak in the Elite Eight, showily posterizing everyone on the way. But dominance on the court doesn't help one's fortune in the onomastic arena. Woods has to deal with some fierce competition brought by Chemical Experimentation author Ursula A. Hofacker. Like her name, her textbook apparently "leave[s] little to the student's imagination."

Who will prevail: the youngest point guard on Team USA or a chemistry lecturer seasoned by years of surreptitiously sniggering students? YOU decide!

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On the other side of the field we have Yolanda Squatpump, Usual Suspects makeup artist and our strongest last-minute addition. It's easy to see how a young mother trying to decide what goes with "Squatpump" would eventually throw up her hands, grit her teeth and go for the gold. However it happened, we're blessed to bask in the knowledge that such a name exists.

She's up against Tore Torp, middle name Andreas, who holds a patent for a "Process and System for Recovering and Storing a Light Hydrocarbon Vapor from Crude Oil." The word "slurry" appears often. Torp shares both name and nationality with Norwegian hockey player and 2011 10-seed Tore Vikingstad, but trades badass for singsong on the surname, giving him a fundamentally different appeal.

Will Tore Torp tear through enough voters' torpor to vanquish the mighty Squatpump? Only time will tell.

[polldaddy poll=7426324]

With that, we're done laying out the first round of the first region. All voting for Bulltron Round 1 ends Sunday, so make up your mind by then. We'll be back to present the Sithole Regional on Monday; in the meantime, follow @NOTYtourney for sporadic pithy updates.