Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Final Four


God is dead.

We would not have predicted it. God's Power Offor, the Nigerian-born, 6-foot-2, Miami h.s. defensive end and Sithole Regional No. 1 seed, who came to his name in honest fashion -- his parents believed his birth was a sign of God's power -- was eliminated by Cameroonian footballer Banana Yaya by a count of 52% to 48%. Somewhere, Andy Staples weeps.

Elsewhere, Bulltron No. 1 Nohjay Nimpson made surprisingly easy work of No. 2 X'Zavier Bloodsaw. In the Chrotchtangle, No. 15 Pat Angerer's NOTY dream was snatched away by No. 16 Charity Beaver , who captured a stunning 74% of nearly 5,700 votes cast.

Which bring us to Australia. The support of an entire nation is hurtling Dragonwagon No. 4 seed and Aussie rules footballer Steele Sidebottom on a collision course with destiny -- and we don't mean Frankenstein. Steele treated his worthy Elite Eight opponent, No. 3 Starzanne Stipes, like a Tasmanian beer-league back pocket, racking up 64% of 6,600 votes.

Steele is dangerous. His NOTY effort is a all the media rage Down Under. His Facebook page has 674 fans. And his factotum, a blogger named Upshake, is chronicling the campaign like an onomastic Theodore White. (Thanks to Upshake for artwork.)

So will it be Beaver or 'bottom? Nohjay or Yaya? Vote below.

Hey, Australia. We know you love Steele, but it's not just about your midfielder. Please vote in the first semifinal match as well.

No. 1 Nohjay Nimpson: St. Joe's javeliner/triple-jumper.
No. 11 Banana Yaya: Cameroonian footballer.


No. 4 Steele Sidebottom: Ten goals in eight games this season!

No. 16 Charity Beaver: “I’m a wino,” she says, laughing. “And I

love cheeseboards. I have one at least once a week.”


36 comments:

  1. I am outraged! The game must be fixed for X'Zavier Bloodsaw to be out already. I call shenanigans, since that is clearly the name of the decade.

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  2. I don't even want to cast a vote in the Nimpson/Yaya matchup because they both should have lost 3 rounds ago.

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  3. I haven't been a Steele fan, but this love for Charity Beaver has got. to. stop. C'mon Oz, vote early, vote often.

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  4. Charity Beaver. Enough said.
    However, I suppose I may be influenced by someone who works in the government with me, Lt. Col Dick Beavers. A marriage there would net us a Charity Beaver-Beavers! Would a new name after a marriage allow for a candidate to enter another year of NOTY? What do the by-laws say?

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  5. There are two types of people in this world. Those who vote for Charity Beaver, and worthless bitches.

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  6. I'm a big Sidebottom hater and I don't think Charity deserves to win, either. Banana Yaya is a pretty good name, but it's pretty obvious who the winner should be at this point: Nohjay Nimpson.

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  7. Tape is right. We started with a strong field but now it's the worst final four yet.

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  8. I'm out. I can't support any of these choices.

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  9. I mourn the all too early ousting of Selathious Bobo. May he RIP.

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  10. Im continuing my support for Bloodsaw in the only way I can - voting against Nimpson.
    R.I.P X'Zavier Bloodsaw

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  11. Just thought I'd let you all know that Rusty (jumper 22 for the Magpies), is neighboured by blokes called Sharrod (21) and Tarkyn (24). Yeah, both lack the comic wit of Steele, but still the trend of unusual names continues along the playing list.

    And just so we're clear, yes I'm aware 24 doesn't follow 22 but the number 23 jumper is vacant for 2010. And yes, the Yankees spell neighbour without the "u" but I guess that's just because you're weird like that.

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  12. steele sidebottom for the win ! (L)
    i love him, such a good footy player tooo :) go pies!

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  13. Yaya/Nimpson is really brutal and I couldn't really give two shits about the other one.

    It should have been GP. I'm hoping for the high committee to set shit straight with their pick.

    For now, Banana is getting my respect vote. Respect for thwarting God. God's Power. God's Power motherfucking Offor.

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  14. I just love Steele Sidebottom, so come on everyone vote for him.
    Go Pies!!!!!

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  15. Tarkyn24, Why didn't you include their surnames? Tarkyn Lockyer and Sharrod Wellingham

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  16. Go Steele.
    Goldsack,Dick & Ball are all cheering ya on
    GO PIES

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  17. I,m a Carlton supporter and I,ve voted for Steele that says it all....

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  18. Steele Sidebottom: Bite his shiny metal ass!

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  19. If it was Chastity Beaver, instead of Charity, I might have had a 50-50 stab. But Steele Sidebottom sounds so much like a common surgery for Vietnam Veterans.

    Or the reason Lee Majors can never have a colonoscopy.

    ...

    Oh, and "Oi, Oi, Oi!"

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  20. Banana Yaya is far and away the best remaining name.

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  21. High compliments to the chef on an exquisite choice of verb used in the Chrotchtangle paragraph.

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  22. Why no love for Nohjay? Banana Yaya is just lame!! I do agree the best names were defeated earlier. I'm also joining the regional bandwagon and voting for my homegirl Charity!! Go Dallas beauties!

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  23. Nohjay has to win, if only for the beautiful imaginary scenario of the disgraced former NFL'er attempting to come up with a suitable pseudonym while checking into a hotel and not being able to come up with anything better.

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  24. GooooOOOOO Steele.
    Christian name: Powerful, sexy and a leg opener
    Last name: Bogan with an English toff name.

    Go pies in 2010

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  25. I can't believe how much I preferred the Mingo debacle from last year over what is happening this year (and I didn't enjoy the Mingo debacle at all). Who's in the lead now... Banana Yaya? Good grief. Steele Sidebottom? Yawn. And a March Madness alternative stretching into late May? Yeow. I'll probably come back next year, but my heart just isn't really in it anymore.

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  26. Where is the love for Banana Yaya coming? I'm not seeing much support on the comment section here. I was hoping to see Nohjay, God, or Bloodsaw in the mix at the end. Since Nohjay is the only one left, gotta go with the last "most-deserving" name, IMO.

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  27. How can you POSSIBLY think Steele Sidebottom trumps Charity Beaver? Oh yeah, because it doesn't. Sadly, this year's contest went out the window when Lolita Respectnothing left the race.

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  28. I'm guessing Banana Yaya is getting a lot of the Aussie vote. Two reasons: (1) he's also a pro athlete (2) if you look at the regional voting map, almost every state, and in particular all the big ones, prefer Nohjay, so a big part of Banana's votes have to be international.

    That said, I'm an American, and I voted for Banana Yaya.

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  29. Being a Pies fan for years, it's hard not to vote for Steele. But after seeing the photo of Charity, it's hard not to 'root' for her. And I'd prefer to see much less of Steele's Sidebottom, and much, much more of Charity's ... well, you get where I'm going.

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  30. C'mon Sidie!!
    Everyone, vote for Steele if you love him.....OR if you hate him.
    GO PIES!! GO STEELE!

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  31. Just a disastrous tournament. Again reiterating the "no professional athletes" rule that needs to be implemented to give everyone a fair say in the outcome.

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  32. Charity sidebottom or Steele Beaver and there siblings !!!!!!

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  33. Yeah, it's time for NOTY to go all Chariots of Fire on us, and have the professional athletes cede the field. These outcomes are preposterous, and Nojay Nimpson becomes this year's Destiny Frankenstein.

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  34. how do you vote? Steele all the way!!

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  35. You guys are aware that Pat Angerer was not a professional athlete at the beginning of this, yes? Barkevious Mingo is not a pro athlete either. That's not the fix.

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  36. Steele is a professional athlete... you're all just jealous that you can't understand a nation standing side by side. Go Pies

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