Monday, May 10, 2010

Elite Eight, Part 2

Our fellow Americans. (And you Australians, too.)

There is no task more solemn than the one passed down to us by our founding fathers, who summon us from the past to execute their humble vision for this republic. We honor their memory, we accept this responsibility, we cherish this task. We vote for the Name of the Year.

And though we are bound by duty to accept the will of the People, we also fear the tyranny of the mob. We have seen it rear its ugly head before. In 2008, a feelgood network of sycophants and toadies fashioned a cult of personality around Spaceman Africa. We have also witnessed the wisdom of the crowd, the uplifting rally in 2009 behind that movable feast of onomastic joy, Barkevious Mingo, whose kingdom shall have no end.

Now come this year's candidates with their personal David Axelrods and their entourages of adoring fans. Yes, Chrotchtangle Regional No. 15 seed Pat Angerer, of course, husked enough votes in the great, flat state of Iowa to score a slim 51-49 majority over No. 3 Pencilman Jeffries. And in the Dragonwagon, No. 4 Steele Sidebottom had an entire nation -- Australia -- get out the vote in his similarly close victory over beloved No. 1 Spontaneous Gordon.

We mourn the vanquished -- not only our respected friends Spontaneous and Pencilman but Just-in'love Smith and Furious Bradley and their fallen brethren. The right side of the bracket is, we declare, the weak side of the bracket. Yet we implore the public -- from Ames to Adelaide, from Sioux City to Sydney -- to set aside petty partisanship and choose those names that embody the true spirit of NOTY, the names that will bring pride to this planet and honor to the solemn task for which you, the People, have been chosen.

Vote well. Vote honestly. Vote twice.

No. 4 Steele Sidebottom: Collingwood Magpie.
No. 3 Starzanne Stipes: Zanesville, Ohio, soccer player.


No. 16 Charity Beaver: "I train a lot of the Highland Park

cheerleaders. And I work with an autistic girl. I love her. She

brightens up even the worst day.”


No. 15 Pat Angerer: Former Iowa linebacker. Video tribute!

28 comments:

  1. I will raise an army in the name of Charity Beaver.

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  2. The regionally-biased voting plaguing this year's NOTY evidences the wisdom of our Founding Fathers in designing the Electoral College. This tourney needs some sort of safeguard against area pride-motivated myopia.

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  3. You people whining about "regional bias" are pathetic! Look at the qualifications! Pat Angerer is a linebacker and a good one at that! Combined with his name, he earned his way to the Elite Eight.

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  4. Angerer has made it through at least two rounds with everyone openly rooting against his name. THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN!
    But now you are clearly rigging the vote (not that I have a problem with Charity Beaver). It's a travesty, and will clearly be the downfall of NOTY. This whole thing was a joke before, and you've made it a joke a second time over.
    How about next year you just decide for us, since apparently one must attend an Ivy League school just to know how to properly enjoy a funny name. Just TELL us who to vote for from now on and we won't have to listen to your gnashing of teeth each week.

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  5. THE FIX IS IN!!!
    Charity Beaver is not, not, NOT her real name. Watch the interview video at the bottom of her profile page. It clearly says her name is "Charity Raeann."
    How can we rectify this terrible turn of events? Clearly we must disqualify her and make Pat Angerer face ALL of the opponents vanquished by the eleged "Ms. Beaver" in a Battle Royal of Name Perfection!
    Furious Bradley and all of the other disqualified names must stand around as if it were a "Lumberjack Match" of epic proportions.
    MAKE THIS HAPPEN!
    (Down with Charity "Beaver" Raeann!)

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  6. Or Raeann is her middle name... I'm a Hawkeye fan, but I'm gonna ride the Beaver until she gives out.

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  7. DON'T MAKE ME DECIDE BETWEEN STIPES AND SIDEBOTTOM! *cries*

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  8. What about Rowdy Negro, son of Fred Negro, Australian 'musician'.

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  9. Hey Anonymous @ 4:30- I don't think it's about going to an Ivy League school, so much as it is about having taste.

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  10. For punters in the US, our gorgeous Iron Leftrightbackside is a 22 yo 'star in (black & white) stripes', playing the most exciting ball sport in the world, for the most famous football club in Oz. Steele kicked 5 goals in a 23.19 to 14.7 win last Sat, putting the Collingwood Magpies on top of the AFL ladder.
    Check him out at
    http://www.collingwoodfc.com.au/
    See footage of all the goals on Round 7 Goal Recap via CTV link - Steele wears No 22.
    A Sidebottom would beat a Beaver anytime.........

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  11. Exactly. Let us not forget our Steele's breakout performance on the weekend. And let us also remind our patriotic American friends that Steele Sidebottom is a damned ridiculous name in any language!

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  12. How do you nominate a name for next year? I think this one's great:

    Ticky Hedley-Dent

    See here: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/fashion/3364889/Sex-And-The-City-Meet-our-very-own-real-life-Carrie-Bradshaws.html

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  13. @ anonymous #2, who fears the wrath of identification:

    Being a linebacker, football player, or having a professional title (While embellishing) is not a base factor in a name's hilarity. And even if it were, Wave Ryder would destroy Angerer with his pinky toe.

    Think of it this way - If Pat Angerer was an investment capitalist, would you vote for his name with so much fervor?

    If the population viewed this tournament singularly with focus on only the name itself, the victors would be much more impressive. I liked the earlier outcry for a control, or electoral college.

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  14. How in the world does Lucious Pusey of the Eastern Illinois FB squad not even make the tourny? It's a travesty of monumental proportions!

    http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/player/profile?playerId=148900

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  15. Hope you guys are ready for Steele Sidebottom. He has a whole country to back him in.

    Up the Mighty Magpies.

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  16. I don't know what has people's panties in a twist. I'm not Australian (I'm American as a matter of fact), and I know nothing about Aussie rules football (other than that they play it), but Steele Sidebottom is a great name. People who suggest that their favorite candidate not winning represents a breakdown in democracy, or that those who disagree with them should slit their wrist, need to seriously get a life.

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  17. Go Steele Sidebottom for Name of the Year!

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  18. Voting's compulsory in Australia so Steele will have plenty of support ... but if you don't barrack for (root for) the pies (Collingwood), you generally hate them and all they represent.

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  19. Drew, this isn't called "hilarious name of the year." It's "name of the year," and a name can be made "better" by looking at the whole picture of the person it refers to.

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  20. Steele needs Beaver in the next round.

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  21. Paul, fair enough point.

    I suppose it's just that we see the breakdown of the people's choice voting that makes this different from most people's choice nominations. The ones where we don't see the process often leave us scratching our heads as to how the hell the person won the award—and this is no different.

    And yes, I am upset with my bracket being totally busted, if for no other reason than I've never done this poorly with march madness!

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  22. flat state?! Iowa is home of the Loess Hills, fool.

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  23. I got here via deadspin, not gonna lie...

    Do they, like, not have interweb capabilities in Wyoming? Or have the cows taken over?

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  24. The problem with Pat Angerer is not that it's not a funny name, it's not even a GOOD name. Someone mentioned before that "anger" is german for "common", so his name is basically Pat (an EXTREMELY boring name) Commoner. AKA average and common and boring. All these Hawkeyes are really getting on my nerves by trying to justify such a boring name. Just admit you're biased and stop trying to make excuses for it.

    Also, Steele Sidebottom is a wonderful name. I don't know why people are complaining about him.

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  25. Come on USA... You have to be behind a chick named Starrzanne Stipes ... Where is your patriotic spirit!!!! Starrzanne Stipes Forever!!!! you gotta love that....right!

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  26. easy solution, don't include athletes names next year. too many homers..

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  27. and whatever you do, never include a South Carolina gamecock player in this. Those lunatics would vote 'Joe Smith' to the NOTY finals.

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