Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Your 2010 Name of the Year Ballot

Each spring at NOTY, we experience the Five Stages of Name.

First is anticipation. The mere prospect of moniker upon magic moniker triggers paroxysms of delight: Tis the night before Dionte Christmas. But then fear sets in. What if this is the year without a Barkevious Mingo, a Destiny Frankenstein, a Vanilla Dong? What if this year’s NOTY doesn’t live up to the glory of the past?

The fear subsides when we crack open the inbox -- it used to be a manila folder -- and peruse the names we’ve stored and ignored for months. Relief. We are Columbus sighting land. Armstrong setting boot on moon. Prometheus discovering fire. And if Prometheus’s last name is -- well, if it’s anything, really -- we are stoked.

Panic is next. How many emails? Five hundred? Six hundred? A thousand? How many names to verify? Price and Waterhouse, it turns out, are unavailable during tax season. (Send applications for 2011 NOTY Intern to It seems an impossible task, clearing the onomastic Augean Stables, separating the DeJuan Wheat from the Rick Chaff.

But we click and click. And chortle and guffaw. And finish. Earlier we mentioned 278 nominees. Well, we accepted another five; good to have you, ShaMiracle Johnson. Four others were excised. Nicknames are out, Tiny Gallon and Munchie Legaux. And you, Gelo Orange? Fourteenth place in 2007 wasn’t good enough?

And then we took the final 279 and we gathered -- this year, sadly, only two of us -- just blocks from the Supreme Court, in the event of an emergency cert petition for ballot inclusion. For three hours, we laughed and cried and dinged and whittled the field first down to 120 or so and then to the final 64 you’re probably reading instead of this.

Pride. Joy. Accomplishment. Anticipation again: Who will be the 2010 Name of the Year?

Yes, we know, that last stage included four emotions. Whatever. Here's the ballot in printable form. It's part Pennsylvania Quakers, part David Letterman, all retro, all Bulltron Regional No. 5 seed Dirk Kool. Study. Analyze. Enjoy. Prepare to exercise your democratic freedom.

Online voting begins shortly.

A round of applause for twoeightnine design for this year's brilliant logo and ballot.


  1. That's cruel matching up Stalin & Hitler in the first round like that.

    My final four is:
    Bulltron: 1. Nojay Nimpson
    Sithole: 3. Dick Smallberries Jr.
    Dragonwagon: 6. Aristotle Socrates
    Crotchtangle: 1. Just-In'Love Smith

    I have Nojay vs Aristotle in the finals, with (in my mind) the prohibative favorite Nojay Nimpson taking home the crown.

  2. I like your ballot, although I like Spartacus Bernstein to come out of the Crotchtangle.

    I agree that Nohjay Nimpson is the UConn women of this bracket, though.

  3. i love your bracket, but i find it very regrettable that you'd lay it out with a font where capital Rs and Bs aren't easily distinguished. this contest is all about legibility, and i think your designers dropped the ball a bit there.
    Is it Roy Spancake or Boy Spancake? It's a huge difference.

  4. I am so glad you guys are back!

    Let's hope those idiot SEC Football fans don't ruin the tournament for everyone again this year.

  5. Yeah, this bracket is hard to read, and it's not clear which regions are matched up in the semifinal. I looked back at last years and it was way better.

  6. As someone who earns a living in the spoken word, I had to advance X'Zavier Bloodsaw to the final 4. I'd have advanced X'Zavier Bryant or Davis or...
    In the Sithole Regional, I found it tough to ignore the legacy name of Dick Smallberries, Jr. Really? you grow up as Dick Smallberries and decide it's worth passing on?

    King Jamell Modest advances far in the DragonWagon, but ultimately Starzanne Stipes moves on.

    Karma Sherpa, Flavius Killebrew and Sprtacus Bernstein are all impressive, but I suppose I'm a child at heart and Charity Beaver is impossible to ignore.

    A classic Dick vs. Beaver matchup is my final, with Dick Smallberries Jr. having a greater legacy for his son, Smallberries the third.

  7. Thanks again this year go to the Committee for all their hard work sifting through the nominees, determining who is in and who is out, and setting rankings and regions.

    Kudos gentlemen! Let the games begin!

  8. I agree on the font, some are tough to read.

  9. Incredible work as usual boys. My one complaint though is with the font choice in the bracket. Both the G's and R's look like B's from far away and there are some issues with other letters being unclear when examining the bracket from a distance.

  10. twoeightnine kindly redid the main bracket in a clearer font. The image at the top of the post is in the new font. PDF link to follow shortly.

  11. Lolita Respectnothing is criminally underseeded.

  12. Looks like some employees of Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems found their way on the list (Yaya, Smallberries [sic]):

  13. Banana Yaya is definitely a Cameroonian soccer player.

    Smallberries has a lot of voice acting credits. If anyone knows for sure that it's a stage name, let us know asap.

  14. I know nominations are closed but I went to school with a Cabby Tennis and a Hamilton C. Throckmorton III.

  15. where's the podcast?!?!

  16. We should really have a bracket contest for this thing.

  17. Anonymous: Podcast coming!

    Scrappled: Online voting is a staple of NOTY. First round starts probably tomorrow.

  18. I know a couple where the man ALMOST convinced his wife to let them name the kid Lucifer Jesus... too bad he failed, or I could've been related to a winner of this thing!

  19. Great to see Steele Sidebottom in there. C'arn the Aussie!

  20. Nohjay Nimpson v. Lolita Respectnothing is this year's Bunkless Bovian v. Jazzario Barrios: a matchup so delicious it should come much later.

    I was also sorry that the included-in-the-comments Sataporn Pornpromlikit wasn't included; that is an epic name! I can see any number of reasons why it wouldn't be in--a paucity of inheritors of Vanilla Dong's mantle in this year's bracket makes me think that perhaps the Committee has decided that laughing at ethnic names that mean something else in English isn't to be encouraged, which I agree with in principle...but cmon! This is Sataporn Pornpromlikit!--but I hope it bears consideration in future years.

    As always, thanks so much to the Committee for the continuing excellence of their work. This bracket has entertained several people in my office in faraway New Zealand, and will continue to entertain more. All the best!

  21. Excellent work to set up a possible Hitler/Hannukkah showdown in round two.

    Though if I were on the selection committee, I would have tried to manuver a Jesus/Hannukkam face off in the sweet 16.

    I'm smelling upset...

  22. Will you be doing online voting for each individual matchup, or will you do groups of four (1/16 and 8/9 for example) as you did last year? I nearly had a riot on my hands in my office pool when you did the foursomes last year and want to be prepared this time around...

  23. Man, the DragonWagon regional is
    loaded almost anyone could win it
    all, Spontaneous Gordon, Dinero
    Fudge, Pepi Hamburger, Pamela
    Balls Organista (that can't be a
    real name, can it?)

  24. There is a guy named Dick Zucker who is on the board of the USAA mutual funds. Why he doesn't go by Richard or Rick is beyond me.

  25. Tremendous work by the High Committee.
    In light of recent and rumored developments in another tournament, I must ask if there's a movement afoot to expand the field to 96.

  26. Final Four

    Bulltron: X'Zavier Bloodsaw. The WWE need to give someone this name, he'd be a world champion within months.

    Sithole: God's Power Offor. My heavy favorite. Really really don't get the Nojay Nimpson love. Not even better then Lolita Respectnothing. This is a loaded bracket though, and I'd have no rpoblem with Coke Wisdom O'Neal or Dick Smallberries Jr. making a serious run. Dick Smallberries Sr. was one heartless dude.

    Dragonwagon: Spontaneous Gordon. Some other solid names, but Spontaneous gets through

    Chrotchtangle: Karma Sherpa: Easily the hardest call for me: Wave Ryder and Furious Bradley are right on his tale. Also don't care for Just-in'Love Smith. Just too.... gimmicky? Don't care fo rit.

  27. huh, I said his. Would Karma be a female? Probably, so excuse me

  28. Slightly off-topic, but you guys should make t-shirts at Cafe Press -- jersey style, with the lovely new logo on the front and one of the names on the back...

    Dick Smallberries Jr for the win...

  29. Would like to see Chew Kok get a re-try after being completely screwed over last year by retard SEC ballot stuffers and their enablers (Dan Shanoff I'm talking to you) but whatever. As always the Sithole region seems to be the strongest.

  30. Charity Beaver is way underseeded.

  31. Charity Beaver as a 16?! That conference gets no respect. My Northern Iowa second round upset special: King Jamell Modest over Spontaneous Gordon. But I can't read all the names before crying so I haven't had a change to get my Final Four yet. Thanks Guys! This will ease the pain of my other bracket for a while.

  32. final four:

    nohjay nimpson
    coke wisdom oneal
    selathious bobo
    frantazy bryant

    nohjay and frantazy in the finals, with nohjay coming out on top. however, watch out for frantazy - definitely under-ranked and might be the dark horse of the tournament

  33. This is tough, so many good names on there.

    Bulltron: 2 X'Zavier Bloodsaw
    Sithole: 3 Dick Smallberries Jr.
    Dragonwagon: 3 Starzanne Stipes
    Crotchtangle: 7 Furious Bradley

    Bloodsaw > Stipes

    I look for Typhoon Nurse to go on a deep run if she can get by Coke Wisdom.

  34. I can only assume that a link to a photo of horribly underseeded #16 Charity Beaver would help...

  35. How in gods green earth did Charity Beaver only draw a 16 seed?

  36. My Final Four:

    Nojay Nimpson
    Dick Smallberries Jr.
    Spontaneous Gordon


    Pencilman Jefferies!

    A shocker, I know.

  37. Agreed - Charity Beaver should be the first 16 seed to make it to the final four!

  38. I'm very upset that Chew Bacca didn't make the tourney.

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