Monday, April 6, 2009

A Word from the Commissioner

If someone had told me in 1983 that a quarter-century later I’d be handicapping a NOTY Sweet 16 for thousands of people -- reading on computers -- I would have asked whether he was smoking Crystal Metheny (whatever that was).

Yet here we are. Excellent work in the first round, People. You advanced a fine crop of tried and true names: food (Milkman, Kielbasa, Taco), sex (Beaver, Johnson, Love), rhyme (Macadangdang, Cubangbang), scatology (Fugger). They're battling some strong newcomers: the celestial Infinite McCloud and Uranus Golden; the hard-to-categorize Hung The Dang; and this year’s populist, Barkevious Mingo.

Will these new names establish themselves as future Hall of Name inductees? Or will they go the way of Chevy Van Pickup, Maximum Havoc Steinberg and Lester Kills On Top -- that is, good for a laugh but not immortality.

Here’s The High C's breakdown:

Taco Vandervelde v. Barkevious Mingo: "Ingo" names have never fared well (Ingo Fast, Lamont Mungo, Shango Hango). But this year is different. Barkevious is making noise.

Glorious Johnson v. Crystal Metheny: Metheny smoked Chastity Clapp to get here and should light up Johnson, too.

Calamity McEntire v. Shavodrick Beaver: The shorn beave was very popular with the Seeding Committee (sex name going both ways). But McEntire draws on her impossible first name to advance.

Infinite McCloud v. Nutritious Love: Love had her way with a flaccid Sithole Regional. Adjective-noun battle too close to call.

Velvet Milkman v. Uranus Golden: Uranus is out of this world and deep in the colon; a two-way threat. But Velvet already stroked Handwerker , a No. 1 seed and a legacy (think 1999 NOTY sixth-place finisher Cleopatra Valentine). The Milkman delivers.

Scorpio Babers v. Juvyline Cubangbang: Scorp' is reminiscent of late 2005 NOTY Tanqueray Beavers. But Juvyline mixes a fine Southern belle with a shootout in a Memphis bordello. Bang-bang!

Iris Macadangdang v. Dr. Shasta Kielbasa: I ate the kielbasa at Walker's during the Seeding Meeting. It was good. But not good enough. Macadangdang advances toward an inevitable showdown with Cubangbang.

Hung The Dang v. Chuck Fugger: Hang your dang on this one.