Monday, April 27, 2009

Barkevious Mingo: Lord, Master, 2009 Name of the Year

Commence the tolling of the bells and the slaying of the fatted calves and the overturning of the motor vehicles: Barkevious Mingo is the 2009 Name of the Year.

The People – of Mingovia and elsewhere – have spoken loudly and clearly and with no apparent computer manipulation. After a month-long campaign, the West Monroe, La., native, future LSU outside linebacker and Bulltron Regional No. 4 seed defeated the spunky Michigan grad and Chrotchtangle Regional No. 1 seed Iris Macadangdang.

A record-shattering 10,400-plus votes were cast, for which the NOTY High Committee thanks you. Barkevious (the Victorious) captured 36 states and the District of Columbia and 54 percent of the popular vote. (They voted in France, too, or at least in French.) Remarkably, Mingo's march to glory caused no fatalities, leaving behind only the tattered souls and shattered egos of his worthy but vanquished opponents: Iona Knipl, Atilla Bucko, Chew Kok, Taco Vandervelde, Crystal Metheny, Nutritious Love and his final conquest, the mellifluous Iris. (For the record, Love finished third, and Velvet Milkman took fourth.)

Macadangdang – we could say that all day – was no slouch. The Kalamazoo native corresponded with us, which we love, and her own faithful created campaign posters in her honor (left), which, alas, we didn't see until now. Those who failed to appreciate the onomastic beauty in the pairing of her old-school first name and her assonant surname are NOTY naifs. Don’t listen to them, Iris. We loved you from the beginning.

But we didn't love you that much. There was no stopping the Steampunk Emperor, nor should there have been. To paraphrase the great Pele, say with me three times: Barkevious Mingo. Barkevious Mingo. And Barkevious Mingo. His first name isn’t just creative; there have been plenty of those before. It’s mind-blowingly one of a kind. Think about it (not too hard): What possible etymology or explanation can “Barkevious” have? (Note to beat reporters of Baton Rouge: Ask him.) And to pair it with a surname that sounds like a '50s dance or an ESPN catch-phrase or a social disease, well, the heart flutters. Prediction: first-ballot election to the Hall of Name in 2011.

So sound the trumpets. Spread rose petals along the footpaths. Let a thousand doves soar. All hail Barkevious Mingo, the 2009 Name of the Year.