Tuesday, March 11, 2008

2008 NOTY 'Celebrity' Ballot: Big Daddy Drew

Throughout the tournament, we'll check in with some of our Interweb friends for their picks and commentary. We asked for a Final Four and one sentence of analysis. While he couldn't follow those simple guidelines, we'll let Big Daddy Drew of the great Kissing Suzy Kolber and profiler of Bulltron Regional No. 1 seed Destiny Frankenstein, go first anyway. Take it away, Drew.

Okay, this was the fucking hardest bracket I've ever had to fill out, basketball or names or anything else. The Firm Dinkins/Dom Perignon Champagne, Metallica/Moustache and Have-A-Look Dube/Wacey Rabbit matchups were impossible. Those are all No. 1 seeds, as far as I'm concerned. There are several names here that beat Assumption Bulltron. Just an amazing field. [Ed.'s note: Thanks.]

Bulltron Regional: Dom Perignon Champagne
He beats Spaceman Africa in the Elite Eight. I always gravitate toward brand names. They scream class to me.

Sithole Regional: Metallica Tomaro
My friend of misery ekes it out over Fabio Assalone. I assume Metallica was a great kid for the first nine years of his life, only to turn lame and annoying thereafter. If he's got a brother named Sepultura, I say induct the whole clan into the Hall of Name.

Dragonwagon Regional: Alpacino Beauchamp
Why do I suspect Alpacino's dad's favorite Pacino film starts with an S, ends with an E and has the word CARFAC in the middle? He beats Steeve Ho You Fat in the Elite Eight, because I take points off for any Asian name that happens to be silly in English. [Ed.'s note: Steeve Ho You Fat appears to be, well, not Asian.]

Chrotchangle Regional: Fonda Dicks
Impossible to pick among her, Poony Poon and Pansy Ho. But I have to go with Fonda both for the single entendre and the first name as tribute to Jane (or Henry? or Peter?). Mom and Dad HAD to know what image this name would conjure, and they went ahead and did it anyway. That tells me they were sitting atop a Vietcong tank smoking a doobie when they agreed on it. [Ed's note: Fonda Dicks appears to have been born around 1950, so it must have been Henry.]

Final: Dom Perignon Champagne v. Fonda Dicks

Winner: Fonda Dicks

But what about your girl Destiny? "I always take horrible corporate names and dick-joke names over flat-out weird names." There you have it. Your first 2008 NOTY `Celebrity' Ballot. Now back to the voting.