Monday, April 28, 2008

Spaceman Africa Is the 2008 Name of the Year (People's Division)

When they weren't accusing us of backing another candidate—which we were, because this election doesn't require a team of observers from The Carter CenterSpaceman Africa's friends brought a grammatically challenged, Marley-inflected, peace-out, Burning Man vibe to the 2008 Name of the Year Tournament. By which we are amused and for which we are grateful.

banjalup spaceman banjalup

sings us a toon Spaceman

Your turning many stones in a world of large rocks. Who would think that a name change could generate such a wide following of souls.

Nice one, me Harp Brutha!

Hubba bubba three men in a tubba!

Spaceman thanks for the patatas!

Hi ya Spaceman it's Mary I'm in Thailand and you got my vote! If the CT crew could see you now!

Go Spaceman. I still have fond memories of us on the playstation and looking out the window at Beirut

Thee Hamsters Spaceman, the hamsters!

Heya Spacey, thanks for prawn curries in Goa, hit the spot every time!

Like the way you clang-a-lang spacemadang clang-a-lang clang-a-lang. Greeting from Thailand

Congratulations, Spacedisciples, Spaceman Africa is the (popularly elected) 2008 Name of the Year. We raise a Fosters to the champion and his acolytes from Bombay to Brisbane to Bora-Bora. With a surge in the final days of balloting, the Bulltron Regional No. 10 seed captured 55 percent of the vote and a resounding 658-538 victory over Chrotchtangle Regional No. 9 seed Fonda Dicks.

While we nakedly championed Destiny Frankenstein, the NOTY High Committee's selection as Name of the Year, we don't dislike Spaceman Africa as much as his sycophants think. The Dragonwagon Doctrine—named for 1993 NOTY and inaugural-class Hall of Name member Crescent Dragonwagon—firmly establishes that a legal name change is a legal name change. Don't forget: Of more than 300 nominees, we put Spaceman on the ballot.

From what we've gathered in the comments, Spaceman Africa is Australian. His friend Crazy Horse Invincible may have been joking when he told a reporter the pair picked new names during a post-soccer match bender. He was a Hare Krishna. He travels the world on philanthropic missions. He likes to party. He's a ladies' man. He spreads joy.

His name? Funny, yes, and better than a dick joke. Our gripe was and remains the absence of unintentional comedy, irony or jaw-dropping wonder. As we've said before, after a quarter century spent gathering, assessing and debating names, we have a refined sense of what constitutes greatness. Among the 2008 nominees, we thought Reprobatus Bibbs was great. We thought Alpacino Beauchamp was great. We thought Jeremiah Kilimanjaro was great. We thought Free-King Africa—another made-up name, by the way—was great. And, of course, we thought our girl Destiny was the greatest of them all.

But the people have spoken. Spaceman Africa is the 2008 Name of the Year. Clang-a-lang, clang-a-lang.

Thanks to everyone who voted, and commented. Don't forget to submit nominations for 2009 at We're well over 50 already, including Infinite McCloud, Uranus Golden, Winer Hyppolite, Maxim Dinka, Demetrius Dick and Sequan Nevels (teammates of Jeremiah Kilimanjaro!), Barkevious Mingo and Telephone Mtoko.

Special thanks to the incomporable 289 for the championship plaque.

Monday, April 21, 2008

2008 NOTY Championship: No. 10 Spaceman Africa v. No. 12 Fonda Dicks

When the NOTY High Committee decided to implement round-by-round online voting—last year we collected, and actually counted, completed brackets from several hundred readers—we recognized the risks. That our painstaking efforts to seed the field based on our collective centuries of NOTY experience would be ignored. That a popular uprising would support a particular name. That dick jokes would trump sublime onomastic quality.

Naturally, it all happened. The No. 1 seeds—Destiny Frankenstein, Fabio Assalone, Steeve Ho You Fat and Reprobatus Bibbs—were knocked out, one per round after the first round. Other pretournament favorites like Dominitrix Johnson, Jeremiah Kilimanjaro, Poony Poon and Terdsak Jandaeng were ousted far sooner than expected. The cult of Spaceman trumped the majesty of Destiny. And three dicks reached the Elite Eight—none as powerful as 2007 NOTY Vanilla Dong, who won by landslides in voting by both the High Committee and the People.

This year, the High Committee elected Destiny Frankenstein as its Name of the Year. Now it's the people's turn. You've advanced two names we seeded in the bottom half of their regions, the Chrotchtangle and Bulltron. If Vegas had taken action, this daily double would have paid out large.

We remind you who they are: Spaceman Africa is globetrotting Irish bon vivant who changed him name on a drunken pledge after a soccer game. One commenter said he's a Hare Krishna. We kind of doubt it. As Spaceman's pal and fellow 2008 nominee Crazy Horse Invincible "told reporters":

"It was one of those nights—I think [Middlesbrough] had won—so me and a mate were celebrating. You have a few too many and you come up with crazy plans. Mine were quite literally Crazy."

Update from commenter Anonymous:

NOTY crew... you should not believe everything you read on the net...

SPACEMAN AFRICA... is not Irish born, he is Australian... he was a practising Hare Krishna at one stage... he did not change his name after a drunken soccer binge... and he has been travelling the world for the last 15 yrs assisting charity organisations whilst partying hard too...

So there you have it...One of the most genuine, selfless blokes one could meet...

But Anonymous, didn't we read this on the net, too? Resuming post...

Fonda Dicks is a girl from the heartland who shot the rock back in the day, scoring 3,598 points for Moravia high school in Iowa from 1969-73. Even then, people recognized that her name was, um, interesting. As dandh posted on Hawkeye Report:

Very attractive young lady with a most unfortunate name. Our teams played hers, and there were always some people yelling out her name at games. I actually felt sorry for her.

Feel sorry no more. She might be the People's Choice for the 2008 Name of the Year. Vote now.

Ed: Voting continues through Sunday, April 27.

Who is the 2008 Name of the Year?
Spaceman Africa
Fonda Dicks free polls

Friday, April 11, 2008

Spaceman Africa, We Might Like You More If You Occasionally Emailed Us, Too

Hey guys...

Yes! We knew she'd write again! You okay, Destiny?

Well what can I say? In a weird way I sort of feel like I let all of you down, not to mention my ancestors who are shaking their heads at me as we speak. I would like to point out that I wanted to win this on popular vote alone, and that until all of the comments from Spaceman's people started coming in and revving my competitive engine I had not told any of my friends to vote for me. In fact they were upset with me for not telling them about this little NOTY earlier!

Destiny Frankenstein: Woman of Principle.

I stayed up all night watching the polls. (I did NOT proxy vote or do anything to put myself ahead except send out a mass email asking for support.) Who can blame me? I could not let people from around the world bash the good name that I stand on—without a few blows from my friends!

Once an athlete, always a competitor. As one commenter put it, Rock, chalk, Destiny.

Anyway, I watched the hours tick by until 10:00 EDT. I closed my laptop and even did a little jig in my living room.

Uh oh.

I went to bed at 10:00 Central time and just wanted to look at my winning numbers again, because I thought karma had prevailed and the polls had closed. I was so upset when I saw that he had pulled ahead by what? 6 votes? [Ed: 7.] Ahhhhhh!!!!

That sound? Our crest falling. Close readers of NOTY will recall that we announced we would close the Elite Eight voting at 10 p.m. EDT Wednesday. But while Destiny was dancing at the appointed hour, we were watching TV or doing the dishes or playing Scrabulous or something. Next thing we knew it was 10:40. We mention her story reluctantly, because while it makes us sick to our stomach, it does not change a thing. While we'd trust Destiny with our darkest secrets, we would not overturn the election result on her testimony alone.

However, I honestly appreciated all of your support (“Destiny's Children” is a nice touch).


You all have taken a lot of crap from Spaceman's people and others that thought you were campaigning for me!

We were.

I felt and still feel bad that your NOTY competition might be tarnished by my involvement in it and the record-breaking voting that surrounded my rounds.

Diminished by your absence? Absolutely. Tarnished? Never.

I know that your numbers will recover though, because now all of my friends and family check your blog daily!!! Not to mention that you have a 'lifer' in me.

And you in us.

This competition has brought back memories of my days in the media.

Recall that Destiny was an All-American shortstop at the University of Kansas, and later played in a professional women's fast-pitch league.

I remember why I never looked at stats, read the newspapers before or after games, looked at online message boards or Googled myself. You never know what mean things people will have to say...

And they said some mean things, which Destiny shared with us but we won't forward. People are such tools.

On the other hand, though, I found you all when I Googled myself when my career was all over with. Your blog brought a smile to my face and even made me laugh out loud (a few times). I guess what I am getting at is thanks for the nomination, the chats and the support you give the people with awesome names!

/wipes away tear.

We have been made fun of for it is time to just have fun with it ourselves and win an award or two. Name of the Decade? 2002-2012?!?!?! Anybody? Vote Frankenstein!!!

We’re thinking bigger. What better way to celebrate the Silver Anniversary of NOTY than with a Name of the Quarter Century Tournament? We'll put it on the High Commissioner's agenda.

I have already set two new goals. Mangina to the finals!!!!! Or Down with Spaceman. (I will have my revenge.)

Of course you will.

Godspeed, Destiny. Until we meet again.

Final Four voting continues. Cast your ballots now.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

2008 NOTY Final Four: Destiny's Children

It's come down to this: an extra E, two dick jokes and a guy who keeps adding to an apparently already-formidable legend. Both Final Four matches are contained within this post. We know it's difficult, but please try to vote TWICE.

No. 1 Steeve Ho You Fat v. No. 12 Fonda Dicks

The lone surviving top seed, out of the Dragonwagon Regional, who plays basketball in France, against the upstart from the Chrotchtangle Regional, who played basketball in Iowa in the late 1960s and early '70s.
Who advances to the 2008 NOTY Final?
Steeve Ho You Fat
Fonda Dicks free polls

No. 9 Phyllis Mangina v. No. 10 Spaceman Africa

Yeah, we probably underseeded the Seton Hall women's basketball coach, who advanced out of the Sithole Regional. As for the much-beloved, globetrotting, Zelig-like party animal who followed through on a drunken pledge to change his name from whatever it was and then survived the greatest battle in NOTY history to emerge from the Bulltron Regional, what can we say that we haven’t said already? Shoulda been you, Destiny, shoulda been you.
Who advances to the 2008 NOTY Final?
Phyllis Mangina
Spaceman Africa free polls

Photo of Mr. Mangina by Laurel Ptak via Gawker.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

2008 NOTY: The Final Four

We here at NOTY Headquarters are shocked and saddened by the baseless and slanderous accusations by some commenters that we and Destiny Frankenstein colluded to rig her Elite Eight death struggle against Spaceman Africa.

Yes, we backed Destiny. Yes, we emailed with Destiny. Yes, the NOTY High Committee and its collective 300 years of onomastic experience and wisdom crowned Destiny.

And, yes, it's also true that we can't figure out the cult of personality surrounding Spaceman Africa, who seems to be some sort of ne'er-do-well world-traveling backpacker bon vivant. ("Wow! I met this totally off-the-chain dude in Phuket!") And we don't endorse voting for a name because you had beers with its owner. And we don’t believe that Spaceman Africa would be a better name than Destiny Frankenstein even if it were on his birth certificate, which it isn't. Commenter Zach summed it up nicely:

This is a competition about names, not the ability to throw down on an international, whirlwind booze-a-thon. Spaceman may be a hell of a guy, but Destiny is a hell of a name. Plus, I'm pretty sure she could kick his ass.

But none of our admitted biases makes us some sort of election-fixing Nicolai Ceascescu. We closed the balloting as promised (a little later than promised, actually), and the results are the results:

Spaceman Africa: 488 votes
Destiny Frankenstein: 481 votes

So congratulations to all you Spaceman lobbyists. We're not sure how you did it, but you did it. The 2008 Name of the Year Tournament Final Four is:

No. 1 Steeve Ho You Fat v. No. 12 Fonda Dicks

No. 9 Phyllis Mangina v. No. 10 Spaceman Africa

We'll start the balloting as soon as our tears dry. In the meantime, we bid a sad farewell to a rightful champion with a touching poem from commenter Jodilynn, Destiny Frankenstein's personal Dee Mirich.

the destiny is it.
the frankenstein is magical.
go girlfriend go
this is so grooooovy.
destiknee frank in stine

At the Induction Ceremony, We Will Surely Cry

While we eagerly await tonight’s 10 p.m. EDT conclusion of the impossibly Floridian Elite Eight contest between Destiny Frankenstein and Spaceman Africa—after more than 800 votes, as we type this, they’re tied—we bring you more exciting news from last weekend’s NOTY High Committee meeting in New York.

Please join us in welcoming three new members of the Hall of Name: Jerome Fruithandler, Delano Turnipseed and Princess Nocandy, who all demonstrate the naked power of food.

Jerome Fruithandler: The 2004 Name of the Year was, as the photo suggests, in the moving and storage business in Mount Kisco, N.Y. He also was a respected member of temple Bet Torah, where there's a memorial fund in his honor. Now, with HON votes from 10 of the 12 High Committee members (half are required for induction), we memorialize—no, immortalize—Jerome Fruithandler for the evocative imagery of his surname and its delicious contrast with an always tasty first name.

Delano Turnipseed: There was much joy among the High Committee when this 1985 NOTY nominee cracked open the door to the Hall of Name on his ninth attempt with seven votes. We stumbled across Turnipseed when he was a second-team All-City football player at Bishop McDevitt High School just outside of Philadelphia. He didn't win NOTY that year—the legendary Godfrey Sithole did—but he did tie for third in the Name of the Decade voting in 1992. While there are lots of Turnipseeds in this world, the juxtaposition of a presidential first name and an agrarian last name makes this one Hall-worthy.

Princess Nocandy: The 2006 Name of the Year squeaked in with the minimum six votes. We found her somewhere on the vast payroll New York City government—the High Commissioner is checking his records—and instantly fell in love with her gentle first name and Soup Nazi surname. Princess becomes just the fourth woman inducted into the HON.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Destiny Frankenstein Is the 2008 Name of the Year

Well, the NOTY High Committee’s choice for the 2008 Name of the Year anyway.

The elite cadre that has run NOTY for 25 years gathered in a penthouse apartment on an upper side of Manhattan on Saturday to sort-of watch the Final Four and perform its annual ritual of electing a champion. Three-quarters of the 12-man NOTY High Committee—plus several members of the next generation of NOTY leaders—were physically present, which might have been a record. The rest voted electronically or telephonically.

In any event, the point is this. If ever a name was NOTY-worthy, it’s Destiny Frankenstein. Her surname is a classic of English literature, the mad scientist who creates life, only to see it all go horribly awry. And her first name is Destiny. Destiny! That is what her parents, Wes and Susan, in Broken Arrow, Okla., on New Year’s Eve in 1983, decided to name her. Not Jane or Alice or Mary (though that would have been clever.) Destiny. (She has a sister, Cherish, who remains eligible for NOTY.) In these virtual pages, our good friend Big Daddy Drew called Destiny Frankenstein one of the more ill-fitting names in human history.” Destiny Frankenstein makes you think. Destiny Frankenstein makes you laugh. Destiny Frankenstein makes you stammer, “Get the fuck out of here.” Destiny Frankenstein is a champion.

As we type this, the hopelessly contrived Spaceman Africa—the latest in a long history of contrived Africa’s, from MOVE's Birdie and Ramona to fellow Elite Eight competitor Free-King—is edging out Destiny for a berth in the Final Four. Judging from the comments, Spaceman has a lot of friends. We give him credit for following through on a bender after an English soccer game and legally changing his name. But what beyond rank absurdity does his comic-book name offer the world? Really, what?

We heard again from Destiny the other day, just as the Elite Eight votes began rolling in. As Drew noted in his post last year, Destiny is a charitable woman of good humor, and a driven but sportsmanlike competitor. She demonstrates that in her latest email:

I want it I am not going to lie! But there are some great names in the Elite 8 and I am just proud to have made it this far on my name's sake alone!! Ha Ha! Good luck to Spaceman...but come on Frankenstein is one of a kind! We already have another Africa in the competition, however there is not another monsterous doctor in the bunch! So I am hoping that I have a chance!!!!!

We’re actually charmed by “monsterous,” and charmed by Destiny.

Here is the top 10 in the Committee’s voting:

1. Destiny Frankenstein
2. Steeve Ho You Fat
3. Alpacino Beauchamp
4. Fabio Assalone
5. Free-King Afrika
6. Pansy Ho
7. Firm Dinkins
8. Charley Willard Horse Dick
9. Fonda Dicks
10. Spaceman Africa

Popular-vote balloting in the Elite Eight remains open. Make your voice heard here and here.

ED'S NOTE: Voting in the Elite Eight will continue until 10 p.m. EDT Wednesday.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

2008 NOTY Elite Eight: Dragonwagon and Chrotchtangle Regionals

Two pairings. Scroll down and vote twice.

No. 1 Steeve Ho You Fat v. No. 2 Alpacino Beauchamp

One of the toughest match-ups of all time.

Who advances to the Final Four?
Steeve Ho You Fat
Alpacino Beauchamp free polls

No. 2 Free-King Afrika v. No. 12 Fonda Dicks

Look, we’d be lying if we said we’re on the Fonda Dicks train. After 25 years of this, we’ve seen enough Dick and plenty of Wang and our fair share of Poon, too. Fonda Dicks is a worthy addition to the pantheon alongside Dick Surprise (de facto NOTY 1999) and Johnny Dicksot (1998), June (2000), Dickson (2003) and Poony Poon (2008), and, of course, the incomparable Vanilla Dong (NOTY 2007). But to treat Reprobatus Bibbs , an absolute classic (and one of our favorite posts), like some 15-seed—like some cute-but-not-quiet Parris France (2005), Esther Sylvester (1994) or Billy Broadfoot (1985)—taking 68 percent of the vote. Well, we’re a little disappointed in you, the people.

Who advances to the Final Four?
Fonda Dicks
Free-King Afrika free polls

2008 NOTY Elite Eight: Bulltron and Sithole Regionals

Two pairings. Scroll down and vote twice.

No. 1 Destiny Frankenstein v. No. 10 Spaceman Africa

We haven’t heard from our girl Destiny lately. A little nervous after winning just 57 percent of the vote against Firm Dinkins in the Sweet Sixteen? Spaceman Africa? He’s no Free-King Africa.

Who advances to the Final Four?
Destiny Frankenstein
Spaceman Africa free polls

No. 9 Phyllis Mangina v. No. 10 Charley Willard Horse Dick

The people do love themselves the genitalia. Which one moves on?

Who advances to the Final Four?
Phyllis Mangina
Charley Willard Horse Dick free polls

2008 NOTY: The Elite Eight

Our extended vacation is over. Sweet 16 balloting is closed. Your match-ups in the Elite Eight of the 2008 NOTY Tournament are:

No. 1 Destiny Frankenstein v. No. 10 Spaceman Africa

No. 2 Free-King Africa v. No. 12 Fonda Dicks

No. 1 Steeve Ho You Fat v. No. 2 Alpacino Beauchamp

No. 9 Phyllis Mangina v. No. 10 Charley Willard Horse Dick

Voting to commence shortly.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

2008 NOTY Sweet 16: Chrotchtangle Regional

That's our little pixie, 10-year-old concert pianist Poony Poon, playing Mozart's Piano Concerto No. 19, Part One. She exited the 2008 NOTY Tournament after Part Two. We think she'll be okay.

This regional wraps up the Sweet 16. If you haven't already voted in the other regionals, make sure to scroll down and do so. We'll be back in 10 days or so with the Elite Eight ... on the Road to the Final Four!

No. 1 Reprobatus Bibbs v. No. 12 Fonda Dicks

Reprobatus Bibbs: Eked out second-round win over Cash Dixon etc.

Fonda Dicks: Forget Amadeus. We can hear little Poony playing the funeral march in Beethoven's Third Symphony.

Who advances to the Elite Eight?
Reprobatus Bibbs
Fonda Dicks free polls

No. 6 Pansy Ho v. No. 2 Free-King Africa

Pansy Ho: Gasoline Hunter gave the billionairess a run for her money.

Free-King Africa: Too bad someone had to lose: Adieu, Rockefellow Johnson.

Who advances to the Elite Eight?
Pansy Ho
Free-King Africa free polls

2008 NOTY Sweet 16: Dragonwagon Regional

We're predicting a 1-2 final in the Dragonwagon. But the people have confounded the seedings before.

No. 1 Steeve Ho You Fat v. No. 4 Have-A-Look-Dube

Steeve Ho You Fat: We loved Edward McClammy, because it allowed us to type Olive McWeeney a few times. But this should be a great match.

Have-A-Look Dube: Squeaked by fellow soccer player Dean Windass.
Who advances to the Elite Eight?
Steeve Ho You Fat
Have-A-Look Dube free polls

No. 6 Danger Guerrero v. No. 2 Alpacino Beauchamp

Danger Guerrero: Farewell, Jeremiah Kilimanjaro. Now stay in school.

Alpacino Beauchamp: We have a hunch it’s going to be a dog day afternoon for Danger Guerrero.
Who advances to the Elite Eight?
Danger Guerrero
Alpacino Beauchamp free polls

2008 NOTY Sweet 16: Sithole Regional

That's little Charley Willard Horse Dick's birth announcement. He's a No. 10 seed, but he's survived along with Nos. 5, 9 and 11 in an unpredictable Sithole Regional. Remember: two pairings on which to cast your ballot.

No. 9 Phyllis Mangina v. No. 5 Terdsak Jandaeng

Phyllis Mangina: Ciao, Assalone. Phyllis fills out a pink slip for a No. 1 seed.

Terdsak Jandaeng: Filipino boxer hurtis opponent, Hurtis Chinn in second round.
Who advances to the Elite Eight?
Phyllis Mangina
Terdsak Jandaeng free polls

No. 11 Johnny Moustache v. No. 10 Charley Willard Horse Dick

Johnny Moustache: Who could have predicted his upset of Dominitrix Johnson?

Charley Willard Horse Dick: Baby Horse Dick took out Levi Licking.
Who advances to the Elite Eight?
Johnny Moustache
Charley Willard Horse Dick free polls

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

2008 NOTY Sweet 16: Bulltron Regional

It's Destiny Frankenstein's world. We're just living in it. Can she continue living up to her No. 1 seed and fulfill her first name as the 2008 NOTY? She told us in an email that she wants it bad. Note note note: There are two pairings in this post. Vote and then scroll.

No. 1 Destiny Frankenstein v. No. 5 Firm Dinkins

Destiny Frankenstein: Not even prayer could save Thankgod Amaefule from our girl's onomastic splendor.

Firm Dinkins: Montana State honor's student took out shooting victim Dom Perignon Champagne in the first round and Champagne's mother, Perfect Engleberger, in the second. No pity in NOTY city.
Who advances to the Elite Eight?
Destiny Frankenstein
Firm Dinkins free polls

No. 14 Urban Couch v. No. 10 Spaceman Africa

Urban Couch: The good professor routed youngster Weekendfer Saurit by a 3-to-1 margin.

Spaceman Africa: Drunken name change by idiot soccer fan a surprising winner over Silky Labie. The people finally vote down sexually suggestive name.
Who advances to the Elite Eight?
Urban Couch
Spaceman Africa free polls

Monday, March 17, 2008

2008 NOTY: The Sweet 16

And so it is time to say goodbye to some NOTY High Committee favorites, vanquished in the second round. Farewell, Rockefellow Johnson. It was fun while it lasted, Jeremiah Kilimanjaro. You did sub-Saharan Africa proud, Thankgod Amaefule. And little Poony Poon? We might have loved you best of all.

But you're out. And 16 worthier names are in. We've apparently got competition from some other tournament that also uses brackets. So here's the plan for the Sweet 16: Starting today and for the next couple of days, we'll post the eight remaining games in the four regionals. Then we're going on vacation. So make sure everyone votes while we're away.

Here are your Sweet 16 match-ups:

Bulltron Regional
No. 1 Destiny Frankenstein v. No. 5 Firm Dinkins
No. 14 Urban Couch v. No. 10 Spaceman Africa

Sithole Regional
No. 9 Phyllis Mangina v. No. 5 Terdsak Jandaeng
No. 11 Johnny Moustache v. No. 10 Charley Willard Horse Dick

Dragonwagon Regional
No. 1 Steeve Ho You Fat v. No. 4 Have-A-Look-Dube
No. 6 Danger Guerrero v. No. 2 Alpacino Beauchamp

Chrotchtangle Regional
No. 1 Reprobatus Bibbs v. No. 12 Fonda Dicks
No. 6 Pansy Ho v. No. 2 Free-King Africa

Friday, March 14, 2008

2008 NOTY: Second-Round Roundup

All second-round pairings in the 2008 NOTY are up. We'll continue the voting for a few more days to give everyone time to ponder the impossible choice between Free-King Africa and Rockefellow Johnson. Not to mention Fonda Dicks and Poony Poon. And how about Have-A-Look-Dube v. Dean Windass? Much tighter than we expected.

Here are handy links to the pairings in all four regions. Do the right thing. Vote. Next week: The Sweet 16!

2008 NOTY Second Round: Bulltron Regional
2008 NOTY Second Round: Sithole Regional
2008 NOTY Second Round: Dragonwagon Regional
2008 NOTY Second Round: Chrotchtangle Regional

Thursday, March 13, 2008

2008 NOTY Second Round: Chrotchtangle Regional

That's the affidavit that The High Commissioner had a law-firm employee swear out back in 1990 attesting to the validity of two NOTY legends, inaugural members of the Hall of Name and namesakes of two of the four NOTY Tournament regionals. Eileen Farrell Reilly: NOTY hero.

Remember, there are FOUR, count 'em, FOUR pairings contained in this post. Don't stop after the first. You need to VOTE FOUR TIMES. When you're done, go back and vote on the second-round matches in the Bulltron Regional, Sithole Regional and Dragonwagon Regional.

No. 1 Reprobatus Bibbs. v. No. 9 Cash Dixon Ringo Starlight

Reprobatus Bibbs: He lived up to his name. Can he live up to his seed?

Cash Dixon Ringo Starlight: Four on the floor: money, genitalia, the weak Beatle, romance.
Who advances to the Sweet 16?
Reprobatus Bibbs
Cash Dixon Ringo Starlight free polls

No. 12 Fonda Dicks v. No. 4 Poony Poon

Fonda Dicks: Big Daddy Drew's pick. Women's basketball star in the 1960s. NOTY star in the 20-oughts.

Poony Poon: Let's link to her picture one more time. She's a pixie we tell you!
Who advances to the Sweet 16?
Fonda Dicks
Poony Poon free polls

No. 14 Gasoline Hunter v. No. 6 Pansy Ho

Gasoline Hunter: From the great beyond, took out No. 3 seed Elrazor Sharp.

Pansy Ho: Billionaire's daughter. But money can’t buy you NOTY votes. We hope.
Who advances to the Sweet 16?
Gasoline Hunter
Pansy Ho free polls

No. 7 Rockefellow Johnson v. No. 2 Free-King Africa

Rockefellow Johnson:
Like the governor, he ran afoul of the law in New York state.

Free-King Africa: So did he! What a match-up!
Who advances to the Sweet 16?
Rockefellow Johnson
Free-King Africa free polls

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

2008 NOTY Second Round: Dragonwagon Regional

Welcome to the Dragonwagon Regional, named after our friend Crescent Dragonwagon (above), a children's book author and Hall of Name inductee. One important note: We know this whole Interweb thing is complicated. But there are FOUR pairings contained in this post. After you vote in the Ho You Fat-McClammy match, keep scrolling down. There are THREE more pairings after that. In other words, YOU NEED TO VOTE FOUR TIMES. If the total number of ballots cast in the first match continues to exceed those in the other three, we'll sear your eyeballs with an all-caps warning.

No. 1 Steeve Ho You Fat v. No. 9 Edward McClammy

Steeve Ho You Fat: We can’t stress this enough. A picture is worth a thousand Ho You Fats. Outpolled Iraq war veteran/baby-shower shooting victim R'Chardrick Markray by a 91-9 margin.

Edward McClammy: Vacuum-technologies company CFO cleaned up on Xcstacy Garcia, who appears to have been named for a drug. He'll need a lot of suction to reach the Sweet 16.

Who advances to the Sweet 16?
Steeve Ho You Fat
Edward McClammy free polls

No. 5 Dean Windass v. No. 4 Have-A-Look Dube

Dean Windass: Testicle-grabber had an easy time with Chamberlain Oguchi.

Have-A-Look-Dube: The Bob Marley-evoking feelgood name of the tournament.
Who advances to the Sweet 16?
Dean Windass
Have-A-Look Dube free polls

No. 3 Jeremiah Kilimanjaro v. No. 6 Danger Guerrero

Jeremiah Kilimanjaro: We just learned that J-K is an honor-roll student and state-champion football tight end. With a strong performance in the tournament, NOTY friend and Greensboro News-Record sportswriter Rob Daniels blogs that ``this could be a very special school year’’ for the youngster.

Danger Guerrero: Cuban baseballer took out NOTY High Committee sentimental favorite Daniel Best-Spicehandler. Now must scale higher heights.
Who advances to the Sweet 16?
Jeremiah Kilimanjaro
Danger Guerrero free polls

No. 10 Tonic Chabalala v. No. 2 Alpacino Beauchamp

Tonic Chabalala: Close first-round win over LaWanna Holiday. Still, he’s no Courage Shabalala.

Alpacino Beauchamp: Al Pacino: "Just when I thought that I was out, they pull me back in." Alpacino: "I am so not out."
Who advances to the Sweet 16?
Tonic Chabalala
Alpacino Beauchamp free polls

Another Word From the Commissioner

We roused the NOTY High Commissioner from a suburban Tequila Mink bender—obscure NOTY reference; Mink was a rejected nominee—to get his thoughts on the second round.

Honestly? I missed out on some of the first-round action. I'm old. And tired. Didn't even vote in every matchup! Back in the day, mine was the only vote that counted. [Ed.: Which explains Hector Camacho.] They followed me like sheep! But fortunately I have lots of folks working for me at NOTY. So I had some coffeine, read the blog and compiled a little Knowledge Renwick for you.

The second round has something for everyone. Matchups too good to be true. Dicks-Poon. Assalone-Mangina. Licking-Horse Dick. We didn’t rig it to turn out this way. Honest.

Sithole: A boxer versus a wideout. I mistakenly dropped Terdsak Jandaeng in the first round. Time to make amends: Terdsak over Chinn. We just received word that the Dominatrix Johnson-Johnny Moustache match will be played at a whorehouse in Vegas. I like Assalone over Mangina, with Assalone marching on again, naturally.

Bulltron: Weekendfer v. Couch. Because—apologies in advance—what are weekends for? Couch. Silky Labie will be getting up on that Couch in the Sweet 16. Turn on some Sinatra and dust off a nice bottle of wine. Destiny, though, will prevail in the end.

Dragonwagon: Someone's dropping when there's a mountain involved. Danger, Danger Guerrero. Kilimanjaro stands tall. Check the teaser price on Edward McClammy. McClammy can win the 'wagon.

Chrotchtangle: Rockefellow is the best first name in the tournament, a bobbing, riffing, cultural mix of Old Money and street. But Free-King Africa and his double entendre is just too powerful. Then there's this classic: Fonda Dicks and Poony Poon—in the Chrotch! It's still a man's world. Dicks is the pick.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

2008 NOTY Second Round: Sithole Regional

Yes, there’s a Licking-Horse Dick pairing in the Sithole Regional. Make sure to vote for all four matches. And when you're done, if you haven't already, scroll down or click here and cast your ballots in the second round of the Bulltron Regional.

No. 1 Fabio Assalone v. No. 9 Phyllis Mangina

Fabio Assalone:
Sopranos staffer struggled to beat a dead Clarence Clapsaddle in the first round.

Phyllis Mangina: Demolished Genesis Lightbourne. "Wow," commenter Dom says. "I just realized 'Phyllis' can be pronounced 'Fill his.'"

Who advances to the Sweet 16?
Fabio Assalone
Phyllis Mangina free polls

No. 5 Terdsak Jandaeng v. No. 4 Hurtis Chinn

Terdsak Jandaeng:
Boma Ye. Seriously, the dude's name is Terdsak.

Hurtis Chinn: Took out kid actor Mackintosh Muggleton. Now more appropriately matched against a boxer.

Who advances to the Sweet 16?
Terdsak Jandaeng
Hurtis Chinn free polls

No. 3 Dominitrix Johnson v. No. 11 Johnny Moustache

Dominitrix Johnson: Captured 85 percent of the vote in his first-round game. As far as we know, was not at the Mayflower Hotel with Client-9.

Johnny Moustache: First-round mercy kill: Metallica Tomaro. Despite porn-film name, not not connected to the Eliot Spitzer scandal either.

Who advances to the Sweet 16?
Dominitrix Johnson
Johnny Moustache free polls

No. 10 Charley Willard Horse Dick v. No. 15 Levi Licking

Charley Willard Horse Dick: Hung out Ding Kong in the first round.

Levi Licking: Wyoming votes! Apparently for its native son, who put a Cheney on Ebony Haliburton.

Who advances to the Sweet 16?
Charley Willard Horse Dick
Levi Licking free polls

2008 NOTY 'Celebrity' Ballot: Big Daddy Drew

Throughout the tournament, we'll check in with some of our Interweb friends for their picks and commentary. We asked for a Final Four and one sentence of analysis. While he couldn't follow those simple guidelines, we'll let Big Daddy Drew of the great Kissing Suzy Kolber and profiler of Bulltron Regional No. 1 seed Destiny Frankenstein, go first anyway. Take it away, Drew.

Okay, this was the fucking hardest bracket I've ever had to fill out, basketball or names or anything else. The Firm Dinkins/Dom Perignon Champagne, Metallica/Moustache and Have-A-Look Dube/Wacey Rabbit matchups were impossible. Those are all No. 1 seeds, as far as I'm concerned. There are several names here that beat Assumption Bulltron. Just an amazing field. [Ed.'s note: Thanks.]

Bulltron Regional: Dom Perignon Champagne
He beats Spaceman Africa in the Elite Eight. I always gravitate toward brand names. They scream class to me.

Sithole Regional: Metallica Tomaro
My friend of misery ekes it out over Fabio Assalone. I assume Metallica was a great kid for the first nine years of his life, only to turn lame and annoying thereafter. If he's got a brother named Sepultura, I say induct the whole clan into the Hall of Name.

Dragonwagon Regional: Alpacino Beauchamp
Why do I suspect Alpacino's dad's favorite Pacino film starts with an S, ends with an E and has the word CARFAC in the middle? He beats Steeve Ho You Fat in the Elite Eight, because I take points off for any Asian name that happens to be silly in English. [Ed.'s note: Steeve Ho You Fat appears to be, well, not Asian.]

Chrotchangle Regional: Fonda Dicks
Impossible to pick among her, Poony Poon and Pansy Ho. But I have to go with Fonda both for the single entendre and the first name as tribute to Jane (or Henry? or Peter?). Mom and Dad HAD to know what image this name would conjure, and they went ahead and did it anyway. That tells me they were sitting atop a Vietcong tank smoking a doobie when they agreed on it. [Ed's note: Fonda Dicks appears to have been born around 1950, so it must have been Henry.]

Final: Dom Perignon Champagne v. Fonda Dicks

Winner: Fonda Dicks

But what about your girl Destiny? "I always take horrible corporate names and dick-joke names over flat-out weird names." There you have it. Your first 2008 NOTY `Celebrity' Ballot. Now back to the voting.

Monday, March 10, 2008

2008 NOTY Second Round: Bulltron Regional

Here we go with the second round. Four match-ups. Four separate votes—all within this post, so keep scrolling down.

Will Destiny’s destiny be derailed? Does Firm Dinkins have anything left after a thrilling opening-round game? Can Weekendfer Saurit stop the on-fire Urban Couch? And which underdog advances—the made-up Spaceman Africa or the NSFW Silky Labie? Vote.

No. 1 Destiny Frankenstein v. No. 8 Thankgod Amaefule

Destiny Frankenstein: Crushed Maurkice Pouncey in the first round. Told us in a recent email that she wants to win the whole thing.

Thankgod Amaefule: Outpolled Yourhighness Morgan's cousin by 2-to-1 margin. Will need divine intervention.

Who advances to the Sweet 16?
Destiny Frankenstein
Thankgod Amaefule free polls

No. 5 Firm Dinkins v. No. 4 Perfect Engleberger

Firm Dinkins: Montana college student eked out remarkable first-round win over No. 12 Dom Perignon Champagne. Now faces vanquished opponent's mother.

Perfect Engleberger: Took out Othello Cheeks handily. Playing for entire family.

Who advances to the Sweet 16?
Firm Dinkins
Perfect Engleberger free polls

No. 14 Urban Couch v. No. 6 Weekendfer Saurit

Urban Couch: Surprisingly easy win over Georgia tailback Knowshon Moreno. Party time in Morgantown.

Weekendfer Saurit: 57 percent-43 percent winner over Jabu Lovelace. Commenter Jesse says he went to school with the high-school football player. Thanks for sharing, Jesse!

Who advances to the Sweet 16?
Urban Couch
Weekendfer Saurit free polls

No. 10 Spaceman Africa v. No. 15 Silky Labie

Spaceman Africa:
We had Da'Veed Dildy in the first round. The people disagreed.

Silky Labie: Down goes Auriantal! Down goes Auriantal!

Who advances to the Sweet 16?
Spaceman Africa
Silky Labie free polls