We asked Kissing Suzy Kolber and No Mas regular Unsilent Majority to handicap the field for the Kentucky Derby. We paid him in sugar cubes and carrots. And he's off:
Like any red-blooded degenerate, I feel an annual compulsion to bet on the Kentucky Derby. Needless to say, I always give in. Like any suave horse-race investor, I go directly to the names; those odds beside them are just a bonus. Nobody knows who's going to win (good luck Mr. Favorite), so I figure it's best to go with the most impressive name. I trust you agree.
Any Given Saturday (12/1) PLACE
Great name all the way around, especially if it's meant to mock Oliver Stone. Everything after Natural Born Killers is crap. For the sake of his name, I wish his odds were a bit higher.
Bwana Bull (50/1)
If LaRon is Spanish for The Ron, then Bwana Bull is Swahili for Mr. Bull. Well that's just downright fallacious. It also fails to inspire confidence in the average gambler. Think about it, a bull can barely catch your average Spaniard (and they aren't even that fast what with all the red wine and napping...ah, to be a Spaniard). Is there a prop bet for taking out a drunken infield dweller? If so, book it.
Circular Quay (8/1)
I take it the name is a reference to the neighborhood in Sydney, Australia. From what I can tell it's a scenic waterfront destination filled with annoying window shoppers that clog the walkways. Well that's just all too familiar for me. Avoid at all costs.
Cowtown Cat (20/1)
A cool hipster from a backwater burgh...I think I know this guy. Regardless, all of these hybrid animals will crumble beneath the mighty hoof of the thoroughbred competition. I'm just not feelin' these bovine-inspired names.
He's named for (and co-owned by the great great grandson of) Charles Curlin, who was a slave and a confederate soldier. Funny, I didn't even know Toofer liked horse racing. I'm torn on this one. On the one hand, he was a slave during the Civil War, so I guess he came out a winner in the end. Then again, he was a Confederate, and they made losing an art form. I figure he'll win one of the Triple Crown races.
If he had hands, I bet they'd be quick like a middle infielder's. Alas, he's a horse. I prefer Dominican Lou; he's berry berry fas'.
Great Hunter (15/1)
That's not a name, it's what I aspired to become as a young boy playing Oregon Trail. For some reason the game always forced me to be the banker. Damn antisemitic Apple II GS.
Hard Spun (15/1)
I don't know what that means but I'm overcome with dizziness and arousal.
Imawildandcrazyguy (50/1) WIN
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the best bet in the field. It's not just a funny name, it's also quite fitting. The last time I saw that much gray hair Steve Martin was stuffing his crotch in the '70's. If his jockey was named Yortuk I'd put my full bankroll on this glorious bastard (his mother was a mudder but his father was a deadbeat).
Apparently they're just waiting for the horse to lose so they can sell him to the glue man. That way he can be a liquid asset and a liquid consumable.
Nobiz Like Shobiz (8/1)
Tell that to Mr. Ed, Pie-O-My, Neidermeyer's horse, and Khartoum. But wait, you can't--they're all dead. "Shobiz" will chew you up and spit you out all over the bedspread.
Sam P. (20/1)
Stop him before it's too late!
Scat Daddy (10/1)
Further proof that anything can create jazz. Even if that means generating seemingly random sounds by sloshing around in its own ordure.
British people tend to suck at naming things. That's how you wind up with towns like Sedgfield. I mean, is that a place you'd want to live?
Storm In May (30/1)
Stormello (30/1) SHOW
I love it. I don't know why, I just do. He's dangerous, he's cloudy and he'd rather die than snitch (he saw what Killa Cam did to Anderson Cooper but he isn't sayin' shit). With Kent Desormeaux on for the ride he's a legitimate force.
Street Sense (4/1)
Naming a beautiful horse after your in-dash navigation system is just classless.
Teuflesberg [sic] (30/1)
If you're going to name your horse after the German ``Devil's Mountain'' you should probably invest in a German dictionary.
The Portuguese Assassin is just the latest world-class athlete to carry this name. With any luck Tiago Splitter could be drafted by my Washington Wizards this year. With a little more luck Tiago (the midfielder) will return to Chelsea in the near future. In Portuguese the word means ``supplanter,'' so when he loses he'll simply force his way into the winner's circle.
His name resembles that of Sanjaya, so his grooming, vocals and other traits should follow close behind. He'll fade fast after baffling the announcer with his early pace.