Monday, March 19, 2007

NCAA Names: South Region

While the Broward County Election Commission continues tabulating the ballots for the 2007 Name of the Year—vote here through March 31—we’ve been scouting the NCAA men’s basketball tournament for potential candidates to run in 2008. The last of the four quadrants: the South Region.

First Round
Ohio State v. Central Connecticut State: Don’t let anyone tell you that only 10 percent of Ohio State basketball players graduate. With Othello Hunter and Mark Titus, the Buckeyes are acing Shakespeare. Central Connecticut’s Ingo Beaudet reminds us of 2000 NOTY nominee Ingo Fast. Winner: Ohio State.

Brigham Young v. Xavier: BYU’s bringing a latter-day roster of sainted names—Keena Young, Rashaun Broadus, Lee Cummard, Trent Plaisted—but Xavier’s got Johnny Wolf, Drew Lavender and Jason Love. Old school. Winner: Xavier.

Tennessee v. Long Beach State: Man-to-man coverage. JaJuan Smith (Tennessee) on Kejuan Johnson (Long Beach). Ben Bosse (Tennessee) on Trayon Free (Long Beach). Tanner Wild (Tennessee) on Tim Island (Long Beach). Wayne Chism at the buzzer. Winner: Tennessee.

Virginia v. Albany: Playing in an empty arena. Solomon Tat of the Cavaliers is enough. Winner: Virginia.

Louisville v. Stanford: Two words: Da’Veed Dildy. Four more: Landry Fields, Taj Finger. Winner: Stanford.

Texas A&M v. Penn: Acie Law IV—the fourth!—Marlon Pompey and Martellus Bennett. We love the Quakers, but Ibrahim Jaaber and 1400 SAT scores aren't enough. Winner: Texas A&M.

Nevada v. Creighton: Marquee match. Nevada has depth: Kyle Shiloh, Ramon Session, Matt LaGrone, JaVale McGee and Curry Lynch. The Bluejays—we played one in a second-grade performance of ``Spunky Pumpkin''!—are standing up with Dustin Sitzmann and bringin' some Nate Funk . Winner: Nevada.

Memphis v. North Texas: Tre-Von Willis: wears his war wound like a crown. Kareem Cooper: love child of the 1980s Lakers. Winner: Memphis.

Second Round
Ohio State over Xavier. O, beware, my lord, of jealousy! It is the green-eyed monster.
Tennessee over Virginia. What fucking Chism trail?
Stanford over Texas A&M. Two words: Da’Veed Dildy.
Nevada over Memphis. In spite of how we feel about Shiloh.

Third Round
Ohio State over Tennessee. That never set a squadron in the field, Nor the division of a battle knows.
Stanford over Nevada. Two words: Da’Veed Dildy.

Regional Final
Stanford over Ohio State. The eagle suffers little birds to sing.


  1. Where'd you get that great photo of Thomas Hearns?

  2. Creighton has Dane Watts, Manourou Gakou, Nick Bahe (pronounced "Bah!") and Brice Nengsu, and the best you guys give them is Funk and Sitzmann? I smell a fix.

  3. How could you miss Stanford's Carlton Weatherby?

  4. Playing in an empty arena. Solomon Tat of the Cavaliers is enough.

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