Sunday, March 18, 2007

NCAA Names: East Region

After an overnight shift stitching basketball sneakers for 12 cents an hour, our loyal sweatshop employees will resume counting the many, many ballots we've received for the 2007 Name of the Year. The voting deadline: March 31. Meantime, here's our third installment of NCAA men's hoop name bracketology. The East Region.

First Round
North Carolina v. Eastern Kentucky: Token opposition for the Tar Heels’ Marcus Ginyard, Reshawn (v. to shawn again) Terry and Surry Wood. With a fringe on top. Winner: North Carolina.

Michigan State v. Marquette: They’re not Spartan with the first names in the upper Midwest. Michigan State: Idong Ibok, Raymar Morgan, Goran Suton, DeMarcus Ducre and Marquise Gray. Marquette: Lazar Hayward, Jamil Lott, Jerel McNeal. Winner: Michigan State.

USC v. Arkansas: a) The Trojans have a guy named RouSean. b) The Trojans have a guy named RouSean. For the record, his last name is Cromwell. Winner: USC.

Texas v. New Mexico State: Three players with initials for first names will not get you anywhere in this tournament, Texas. Especially against Hatila Passos, the sweet, anthroponomastic offspring of a rapacious 5th-century scourge of the Roman Empire and an impossibly prolific 20th-century novelist. Off the bench: Londale Theus and Martin Iti. Winner: New Mexico State.

Vanderbilt v. George Washington: Vandy’s got Davis Nwankwo and Ted Skuchas, which might be the cutest name in the tourney. And always good to see the creative preposition and mid-name capitalization a JeJuan Brown. The Colonials' front line of Hermann Opoku, Cheyenne Moore and Maureece Rice is no match. Winner: Vanderbilt.

Washington State v. Oral Roberts: Strike us with a bolt of lightning, but we don’t believe a 900-foot Jesus told Oral Roberts to build a hospital. Or that God threatened to kill him unless he raised $8 million. But the basketball team is divine. Moses Ehambe, Adam Liberty, Egidijus Budrikis, Sylvester Spicer and Marchello Vealy. Washington State is loaded with solid names—Taylor Rochestie, Thomas Abercrombie, Antonio Chavers, Daven Harmeling, Ivory Clark, Robbie Cowgill and Arlen Plaister—but you just don’t mess with The Man. Winner: Oral Roberts.

Boston College v. Texas Tech: BC is deep with the poetic Tyrese Rice, Marquez Haynes, Daye Kaba, Shamari Spears and Tyrelle Blair. But with a couple of White boys—Decensae White and LucQuente White—Bobby Knight won't be throwing any chairs in this tournament. Winner: Texas Tech.

Georgetown v. Belmont: Wouldn’t Hoya Saxa be a terrific name? DaJuan Summers and Octavius Spann over Keaton Belcher and Boomer Herndon. Winner: Georgetown.

Second Round
Michigan State over North Carolina. Idong, you dong, we all dong.
New Mexico State over USC. Raping and pillaging.
Oral Roberts over Vanderbilt. On the sixth day, God created Marchello Vealy.
Texas Tech over Georgetown. Say with me three times: LucQuente. LucQuente. LucQuente.

Third Round
New Mexico State over Michigan State. By more than an Iti bitty margin.
Texas Tech over Oral Roberts. God should have told him to recruit Decensae and LucQuente.

Regional Final
New Mexico State over Texas Tech. Hatila the One.