Thursday, March 22, 2007

Beacuse We Don't Want to Violate Title IX

Not that it matters when you’re on the ballot for the 2007 Name of the Year—still plenty of time to vote!—but college hooper Cynammon Burns didn't reach the women's NCAAs and Cetera DeGraffenreid is still a year away. Nonetheless, we here at NOTY have been tracking the talent closely in the distaff tournament. Our all-name teams, and some special awards:

First Team
Genesis Lightbourne, Iowa State: And said God let there be Lightbourne, and there was Lightbourne. Has it going both ways.

Epiphanny Prince, Rutgers: Her New York City high-school coach had an epiphany: Why not let my player humiliate her opponents by scoring 113 points in a game? Could it have been payback for Prince's disappointing 27th-place finish in the 2005 NOTY? Just asking.

Ashley Awkward, Mississippi: Poured in 22 points in upset of Maryland. Was heard shouting at defending national champs, ``Who’s awkward now, be-yotches?’’

LaWanna Holiday, Belmont: Will be joining teammate Brooke Sunday in ESPNU's annual NOTY Two-on-Two Shootout, hosted by Rhode Island television personality and Sithole Regional No. 1 seed Mario Hilario.

Lady Comfort, Temple: Owls bounced in second round of basketball event. But Comfort can take solace in her No. 15 seed in NOTY's very tough Bulltron Regional.

Second Team
Kalika France,
Purdue: She’s no Paris London, but a solid European surname with a strong front end. Might have been first team if her first name was Coleco.

Ebony Haliburton, Oral Roberts: We hope Ebony’s shot is better than You Know Who’s.

Ashley Lovelady, Southeast Missouri State: OK, so she's here because her mom is Queen Lovelady. Mom, consider yourself nominated for the 2008 NOTY.

Dominique Warrior, Prairie View: 'Nique is always ready to do battle, unlike the Panthers, who lost 95-38 to North Carolina in the first round of the NCAAs.

Jazz Covington, Louisville: No relation to NOTY Dragonwagon Regional No. 12 seed Jazzmen Guy.

Sixth Woman Award
Sasha Polishchuck, Gonzaga: If she married Sasha Baron Cohen, she could change her name to Sasha Baron Cohen! High five!

Team Spirit Award
Robert Morris Lady Colonials
In the waning years of the original ABA, the All-Star Game matched the first-place team against the best of the rest. Well, we'd like to see the Lady Colonials take on this tournament's stars. Their starting five: Psyche Butler, Princess Alston, Crystal Champions, Natasha Summerville and Sugeiry Monsac. And Chinata Nesbit's coming off the bench! The game could be played on the Robert Morris campus in Moon Township, Pa.—just a ``10-minute drive from Pittsburgh International Airport'' and ``accessible by bus’’—where table tennis and air hockey are all the rage.