Saturday, March 31, 2007

Conceptualization and LeQuantum Have a New Baby Sister!

We'd like to congratulate the NOTY High Commissioner and Mrs. High Commissioner on the arrival yesterday of their third child--born and named on the eve of the annual meeting of the Name of the Year Committee!

Little Infinite Vanilla X Ball Van High Commissioner weighed in at 8 pounds 6 ounces and is currently enjoying a little Gertrude Nipple.

Upon seeing her father for the first time, the third in line to the High Commissioner throne screamed: ``How could you give Kyle Sackrider a 4 seed? He was a lock 2! And Cynammon Burns? A 16? What were you thinking?''

We won't divulge the baby's real name. But it sure as hell isn't Shiloh.

Friday, March 30, 2007

They're Cueing Up `One Shining Moment' in Eugene

With just one day of ballotting left for the 2007 Name of the Year, this morning we were reminded, via the circle-jerk world of the blogdome, that it was time for the Final Four of NOTY’s NCAA Name Tournament.

Writing on ``celebrity'' NOTY voter Jamie Mottram's Mr. Irrelevant, Georgetown alum and A Price Above Bip Roberts blogger Ted Bauer had this to say about his alma mater:

With all apologies to [UCLA's] Luc Richard Mbah A Moute and, to a lesser extent, Marreese Speights of Florida, is there a cooler name among teams in the Final Four than GU's Octavius Spann? Not only does the sophomore reserve channel legendary former Romans and Briton Kings with his name, but he channels Spider-Man villain Doctor Octopus, whose real name, of course, was Otto Octavius. Could you imagine Gus Johnson calling a game where Octavius Spann hit a buzzer beater? It might redefine our collective understanding of the word ``genius.’’

No quibbles here. Spann and Speights are the superheroes of a thin real-world Final Four. (We do still love Ohio State’s tandem of Shakespeare scholars, Othello Hunter and Mark Titus.) But it's no match for NOTY's NCAA's, featuring the schools that advanced in the four regions:

Oregon over Weber State: The two deepest teams in the tournament. Weber State— Jake Orchard, Jamaine Nance, Dezmon Harris, Ty Sparrow, Brody Van Brocklin, Daviin Davis, Juan Pablo Silveira, G.B. Burningham—has animals, plants, sports, history, Z's, extra letters, and more! The Ducks have some of that--Maarty Leunen (extra vowel), Tajuan Porter (new twist on an old construction), Joevan Catron (compound first name)--and they have the duo known as (to us) The British Empire: Chamberlain Oguchi and Churchill Odia.

Stanford over New Mexico State: A totally opposite game. Each school dresses just one stud and a wingman or two. For Stanford, it’s Da’Veed Dildy and Taj Finger. For New Mexico State, Hatila Passos and Londale Theus. Now Hatila Passos--part tyrant, part poet--is all-everything, but how the hell can you compete with a Dildy and a Finger?

And the championship...

Oregon over Stanford: Just lie back and think of England.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

We'd Rather Have His Ballot Than Andrew Sullivan's Anyway

His blog may be called Mr. Irrelevant, but Jamie Mottram didn't want to find himself standing pathetically behind the velvet rope at the 2007 Name of the Year ``Celebrity'' Bracket Party. His picks, and profound analysis:

Final Four: D. Zeke Ezekowitz, Kyle Sackrider, Phyre Quickly Burns, Vanilla Dong

Winner: Vanilla Dong


--Phyre Quickly Burns is everything you can ask for in a name. The unconventional spelling, the life lesson learned. Frankly, this would be a champion most years. However...

--Vanilla Dong is not the Name of the Year, it's the name of the decade. (Editor: Assumption Bulltron was the Name of the Decade—the decade between 1983 and 1992.)

--Bung Mac is your token 12-seed upset, but the Cinderella story ends in the Sweet 16 against the Vanilla Dong powerhouse. Tough draw.

--Lady Comfort really got slighted by the Selection Committee. A 15 seed? C'mon! And where the fuck is Lawyer Milloy? I mean, if Mister Taylor is a 13, Lawyer got robbed! (Editor: Milloy was nominated in 1997.)

--I love the clashing nomenclature of Princess Perdue. Too bad it gets run over by Adrienne Cumbus in the third round.

--I know Michelangelo X Ball Van Zee looks funny on paper, but just say D. Zeke Ezekowitz out loud. That's got Final Four all over it.

Jamie Mottram, ladies and gentlemen: irrelevant no more. Only two days to go before Price Waterhouse certifies the ballots for the 2007 Name of the Year. Vote now!

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Arianna Huffington Is Filling Out Her Bracket Right Now

Desperate to crash the 2007 NOTY ``celebrity’’ bracket party—and who isn't?—With Leather editor Matt Ufford woke us this morning with his picks and analysis:

Final Four: Michelangelo X Ball Van Zee, Destinee Hooker, Kyle Sackrider, Vanilla Dong

Notable entrants/random thoughts: The Sithole Regional was either overwhelmingly weak or horrendously seeded. It featured a No. 10 (Quantavius Sturdivant) versus a No. 14 (Anita Fiel) in the Sweet 16, and its Final Four entrant, Kyle Sackrider (right), made it on strength of last name alone. (But what a last name!)

Reasoning for picks throughout tournament: An amazing first name or last name alone can get your through the early rounds of the tournament (Bulcock, Nipple, Cumbus), but any Name of the Year winner must be well-rounded in both first and last name. Or first and last and three middle names, as the case may be. Also favored: any name that referenced a body part—especially genitalia—usually advanced, while names that were likely the product of dirty hippies or too-clever assholes (Gelo Orange) were rejected in the early rounds.

An ode to Vanilla Dong: Simple, straightforward, referential to a delicious flavor AND male genitalia, well-rounded from top to bottom without being too over the top (see Michelangelo X Ball Van Zee). It is by far and away the greatest name in the tournament.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Lucius Pusey's Ballot Should Be Here Any Minute

Famous people readand love—Name of the Year! And they fill out ballots! Our 2007 NOTY Celebrity Final Fours (winner in bold).

Will Leitch, founding editor, Deadspin
Final Four: Michelangelo X Ball Van Zee, Conceptualization Gibbs, Phyre Quickly Burns, Vanilla Dong
Comment: ``I find it impossible not to pick a man with the initials `M.X.B.V.Z.' I think that's spray painted on the wall across the street from my apartment. Also, his name is a multiplication problem: When you multiply `Michelangelo' by `Ball Van Zee,' friends ... you get a champion.''

Dan Steinberg, author, D.C. Sports Bog
Final Four: Intelligent Infinite Botts, Conceptualization Gibbs, Phyre Quickly Burns, Vanilla Dong
Comment: ``For the record, I believe Michelangelo X Ball Van Zee got a terrible seed, facing my winner in the third round. Huge injustice.''

Richard Sandomir, co-editor, The Englightened Bracketologist
Final Four: Intelligent Infinite Botts, Conceptualization Gibbs, Outerbridge Horsey, Demetria Crumbly
Comment: ``It's such a fine mixture of cosmic wit and silliness.''

Hart Brachen, creator, The Soxaholix
Final Four: Intelligent Infinite Botts, Kyle Sackrider, Phyre Quickly Burns, Vanilla Dong
Comment: ``Love the Vanilla Dong!''

Big Daddy Drew, 1/6th of Kissing Suzy Kolber
Final Four: Michelangelo X Ball Van Zee, Conceptualization Gibbs, Jazzmen Guy, Vanilla Dong
Comment: ``Nothing beats Vanilla Dong.''

Josh Levin, sports editor, Slate
Final Four: Gertrude Nipple, Kyle Sackrider, Co-Eric Riley, Gelo Orange
Comment: ``Sackrider! It could be no other.''

Unsilent Majority, 1/6th of Kissing Suzy Kolber, 1/9th of No Mas
Final Four: Ayo Yayo, LeQuantum McDonald, Destinee Hooker, De’Cody Fagg
Comment: ``What do parents expect when they name a kid Destinee Hooker? I'm naming my first born Fate Crackwhore.''

Paul Lukas, author, Uni Watch
Final Four: Gertrude Nipple, Maserati Jemison, Pinckney Pinchback, Vanilla Dong
Comment: ``Much like Jerry McNurtry, Van Lingle Mungo and other pleasingly angular sports names, Pinckney Pinchback is oddly compelling—once you start saying it, you can't stop!''

Dan Shanoff, author, Dan
Final Four: Intelligent Infinite Botts, Kyle Sackrider, Phyre Quickly Burns, Vanilla Dong
Comment: ``Phyre Quickly Burns isn't a name. It's a narrative.''

Monday, March 26, 2007

Turn the Lights Down, the Party Just Got Wilder

The votes are pouring in for the 2007 Name of the Year.

These returns are running like a squirrel in a cage.

We’ve received hundreds of completed ballots from you, The People, along with scores of delightful nameinees for the 2008 NOTY Tournament. We'll start writing about them once this year's winner is crowned.

This race is tight like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach.

About 47% of the precincts have been counted. And we know who’s got the early lead.

Don't bet the trailer money yet.

We can say with confidence that the 2007 NOTY will be one of these enormously qualified candidates:

Intelligent Infinite Botts
Gertrude Nipple
Ayo Yayo
Mario Hilario
Kyle Sackrider
Destinee Hooker
Conceptualization Gibbs
Yourhighness Morgan
Phyre Quickly Burns
Leftonred Atanycorner
Vanilla Dong
Thankful Vanderstar

Yes, Dong is getting a lot of love.

It's too early to say he has the whip hand.

And Nipple and Sackrider are surprising the NOTY bracketologists. And Botts is living up to his No. 1 seed.

But we just don’t feel right revealing more. Because this could be 2002 all over again, when a single overlooked ballot—hello, Florida?—swung the NOTY election from Habibi Zibi to Miracle Wanzo.

We've lived by the crystal ball, we're eating so much broken glass. We're in critical condition.

Or it could be 1998, the first year NOTY went to a 64-name bracket, when early favorites Fidelio Tata and Attila Cosby were outgunned by two geography names, L.A. St. Louis and—it was the best of names, it was the worst of names—Paris London.

Frankly, we don't know whether to wind the watch or to bark at the moon.

Voting for NOTY continues through Saturday. Which means there’s only one thing for us to do.

None of this television mumbo jumbo, let's get in there and count the votes.

And there’s only one thing for you to do. Go here, download a ballot and vote for the 2007 Name of the Year.

It's the American way: If you don't vote, you don't get to whine.

Thanks to Famous Texans for its exhaustive compilation of actual quotations from Dan Rather on election night in 2000.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Beacuse We Don't Want to Violate Title IX

Not that it matters when you’re on the ballot for the 2007 Name of the Year—still plenty of time to vote!—but college hooper Cynammon Burns didn't reach the women's NCAAs and Cetera DeGraffenreid is still a year away. Nonetheless, we here at NOTY have been tracking the talent closely in the distaff tournament. Our all-name teams, and some special awards:

First Team
Genesis Lightbourne, Iowa State: And said God let there be Lightbourne, and there was Lightbourne. Has it going both ways.

Epiphanny Prince, Rutgers: Her New York City high-school coach had an epiphany: Why not let my player humiliate her opponents by scoring 113 points in a game? Could it have been payback for Prince's disappointing 27th-place finish in the 2005 NOTY? Just asking.

Ashley Awkward, Mississippi: Poured in 22 points in upset of Maryland. Was heard shouting at defending national champs, ``Who’s awkward now, be-yotches?’’

LaWanna Holiday, Belmont: Will be joining teammate Brooke Sunday in ESPNU's annual NOTY Two-on-Two Shootout, hosted by Rhode Island television personality and Sithole Regional No. 1 seed Mario Hilario.

Lady Comfort, Temple: Owls bounced in second round of basketball event. But Comfort can take solace in her No. 15 seed in NOTY's very tough Bulltron Regional.

Second Team
Kalika France,
Purdue: She’s no Paris London, but a solid European surname with a strong front end. Might have been first team if her first name was Coleco.

Ebony Haliburton, Oral Roberts: We hope Ebony’s shot is better than You Know Who’s.

Ashley Lovelady, Southeast Missouri State: OK, so she's here because her mom is Queen Lovelady. Mom, consider yourself nominated for the 2008 NOTY.

Dominique Warrior, Prairie View: 'Nique is always ready to do battle, unlike the Panthers, who lost 95-38 to North Carolina in the first round of the NCAAs.

Jazz Covington, Louisville: No relation to NOTY Dragonwagon Regional No. 12 seed Jazzmen Guy.

Sixth Woman Award
Sasha Polishchuck, Gonzaga: If she married Sasha Baron Cohen, she could change her name to Sasha Baron Cohen! High five!

Team Spirit Award
Robert Morris Lady Colonials
In the waning years of the original ABA, the All-Star Game matched the first-place team against the best of the rest. Well, we'd like to see the Lady Colonials take on this tournament's stars. Their starting five: Psyche Butler, Princess Alston, Crystal Champions, Natasha Summerville and Sugeiry Monsac. And Chinata Nesbit's coming off the bench! The game could be played on the Robert Morris campus in Moon Township, Pa.—just a ``10-minute drive from Pittsburgh International Airport'' and ``accessible by bus’’—where table tennis and air hockey are all the rage.

Monday, March 19, 2007

NCAA Names: South Region

While the Broward County Election Commission continues tabulating the ballots for the 2007 Name of the Year—vote here through March 31—we’ve been scouting the NCAA men’s basketball tournament for potential candidates to run in 2008. The last of the four quadrants: the South Region.

First Round
Ohio State v. Central Connecticut State: Don’t let anyone tell you that only 10 percent of Ohio State basketball players graduate. With Othello Hunter and Mark Titus, the Buckeyes are acing Shakespeare. Central Connecticut’s Ingo Beaudet reminds us of 2000 NOTY nominee Ingo Fast. Winner: Ohio State.

Brigham Young v. Xavier: BYU’s bringing a latter-day roster of sainted names—Keena Young, Rashaun Broadus, Lee Cummard, Trent Plaisted—but Xavier’s got Johnny Wolf, Drew Lavender and Jason Love. Old school. Winner: Xavier.

Tennessee v. Long Beach State: Man-to-man coverage. JaJuan Smith (Tennessee) on Kejuan Johnson (Long Beach). Ben Bosse (Tennessee) on Trayon Free (Long Beach). Tanner Wild (Tennessee) on Tim Island (Long Beach). Wayne Chism at the buzzer. Winner: Tennessee.

Virginia v. Albany: Playing in an empty arena. Solomon Tat of the Cavaliers is enough. Winner: Virginia.

Louisville v. Stanford: Two words: Da’Veed Dildy. Four more: Landry Fields, Taj Finger. Winner: Stanford.

Texas A&M v. Penn: Acie Law IV—the fourth!—Marlon Pompey and Martellus Bennett. We love the Quakers, but Ibrahim Jaaber and 1400 SAT scores aren't enough. Winner: Texas A&M.

Nevada v. Creighton: Marquee match. Nevada has depth: Kyle Shiloh, Ramon Session, Matt LaGrone, JaVale McGee and Curry Lynch. The Bluejays—we played one in a second-grade performance of ``Spunky Pumpkin''!—are standing up with Dustin Sitzmann and bringin' some Nate Funk . Winner: Nevada.

Memphis v. North Texas: Tre-Von Willis: wears his war wound like a crown. Kareem Cooper: love child of the 1980s Lakers. Winner: Memphis.

Second Round
Ohio State over Xavier. O, beware, my lord, of jealousy! It is the green-eyed monster.
Tennessee over Virginia. What fucking Chism trail?
Stanford over Texas A&M. Two words: Da’Veed Dildy.
Nevada over Memphis. In spite of how we feel about Shiloh.

Third Round
Ohio State over Tennessee. That never set a squadron in the field, Nor the division of a battle knows.
Stanford over Nevada. Two words: Da’Veed Dildy.

Regional Final
Stanford over Ohio State. The eagle suffers little birds to sing.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

NCAA Names: East Region

After an overnight shift stitching basketball sneakers for 12 cents an hour, our loyal sweatshop employees will resume counting the many, many ballots we've received for the 2007 Name of the Year. The voting deadline: March 31. Meantime, here's our third installment of NCAA men's hoop name bracketology. The East Region.

First Round
North Carolina v. Eastern Kentucky: Token opposition for the Tar Heels’ Marcus Ginyard, Reshawn (v. to shawn again) Terry and Surry Wood. With a fringe on top. Winner: North Carolina.

Michigan State v. Marquette: They’re not Spartan with the first names in the upper Midwest. Michigan State: Idong Ibok, Raymar Morgan, Goran Suton, DeMarcus Ducre and Marquise Gray. Marquette: Lazar Hayward, Jamil Lott, Jerel McNeal. Winner: Michigan State.

USC v. Arkansas: a) The Trojans have a guy named RouSean. b) The Trojans have a guy named RouSean. For the record, his last name is Cromwell. Winner: USC.

Texas v. New Mexico State: Three players with initials for first names will not get you anywhere in this tournament, Texas. Especially against Hatila Passos, the sweet, anthroponomastic offspring of a rapacious 5th-century scourge of the Roman Empire and an impossibly prolific 20th-century novelist. Off the bench: Londale Theus and Martin Iti. Winner: New Mexico State.

Vanderbilt v. George Washington: Vandy’s got Davis Nwankwo and Ted Skuchas, which might be the cutest name in the tourney. And always good to see the creative preposition and mid-name capitalization a JeJuan Brown. The Colonials' front line of Hermann Opoku, Cheyenne Moore and Maureece Rice is no match. Winner: Vanderbilt.

Washington State v. Oral Roberts: Strike us with a bolt of lightning, but we don’t believe a 900-foot Jesus told Oral Roberts to build a hospital. Or that God threatened to kill him unless he raised $8 million. But the basketball team is divine. Moses Ehambe, Adam Liberty, Egidijus Budrikis, Sylvester Spicer and Marchello Vealy. Washington State is loaded with solid names—Taylor Rochestie, Thomas Abercrombie, Antonio Chavers, Daven Harmeling, Ivory Clark, Robbie Cowgill and Arlen Plaister—but you just don’t mess with The Man. Winner: Oral Roberts.

Boston College v. Texas Tech: BC is deep with the poetic Tyrese Rice, Marquez Haynes, Daye Kaba, Shamari Spears and Tyrelle Blair. But with a couple of White boys—Decensae White and LucQuente White—Bobby Knight won't be throwing any chairs in this tournament. Winner: Texas Tech.

Georgetown v. Belmont: Wouldn’t Hoya Saxa be a terrific name? DaJuan Summers and Octavius Spann over Keaton Belcher and Boomer Herndon. Winner: Georgetown.

Second Round
Michigan State over North Carolina. Idong, you dong, we all dong.
New Mexico State over USC. Raping and pillaging.
Oral Roberts over Vanderbilt. On the sixth day, God created Marchello Vealy.
Texas Tech over Georgetown. Say with me three times: LucQuente. LucQuente. LucQuente.

Third Round
New Mexico State over Michigan State. By more than an Iti bitty margin.
Texas Tech over Oral Roberts. God should have told him to recruit Decensae and LucQuente.

Regional Final
New Mexico State over Texas Tech. Hatila the One.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Walt Frazier Didn't Play D-I Either

Meanwhile, in the Division III men's basketball semifinals:

When Virginia Wesleyan needed a play to stay alive in its bid for a second straight NCAA Division III championship, it was "TonTon time'' again.

TonTon time? This should be good.

TonTon Balenga [right, in mask] hit two tie-breaking foul shots with 1:10 to play Friday night, lifting the Marlins to a 67-65 victory over Washington University and putting the defending national champions into Saturday's title game against Amherst.

Coach! Coach! Over here, coach! Coach, how would you describe TonTon?

"I know TonTon's a warrior,'' Virginia Wesleyan coach Dave Macedo said of Balenga, whose shot with 2 seconds left last year gave the Marlins their national title.

TonTon! TonTon! TonTon, are you a "warrior?''

"Oh, TonTon is an African name that means 'uncle' in French," a grinning Balenga explained.

Thanks a lot, TonTon. Good luck in the finals. And good luck in the 2008 NOTY Tournament.

NCAA Names: West Region

While our team of elves is chained to a radiator in the basement counting your votes for the 2007 Name of the Year—still plenty of time to fill out a ballot!—we're handicapping the talent in that other tournament. Next up: the West Region.

First Round
Kansas v. Niagara: Benson Egemonye and Charron Fisher lead the Purple Eagles. That's right. A guy from an ’80s sitcom and the angel of death. The Jayhawks counter with Brady Morningstar and Sasha Kaun. We won’t call him ``Baron.’’ Winner: Niagara.

Kentucky v. Villanova: For a bunch of Wildcats, their names are pretty tame. Kentucky’s got Ramel Bradley, Lukasz Obzrut and Sheray Thomas. Nova counters with Bilal Benn, Reggie Redding and Casiem Drummond. Winner: Villanova.

Virginia Tech v. Illinois: Bring back Luther Head! Bring back the Chief! (Not really.) The Hokies win the battle of nicknames and real names: Zabian Dowdell, Robert Krabbendam, Cheick Diakite. Winner: Virginia Tech.

Southern Illinois v. Holy Cross: The Salukis aren’t exactly pit bulls, but Kobby Acquah, Dion Coopwood and Christian Cornelius easily handle the Crusaders’ Victor ``Va Va’’ Vaval. Winner: Southern Illinois.

Duke v. Virginia Comonwealth: Duke sucks in the name department, too. VCU won’t get far with Wil Fameni and Franck Ndongo. But who cares. Winner: Virginia Commonwealth.

Pittsburgh v. Wright State: One on one, the way the game was meant to be played. Levance Fields of Pitt against Dashaun Wood of Wright State. Levance advances. Winner: Pitt.

Indiana v. Gonzaga: Is Xavier Keeling? Only if Bobby Knight’s still coaching. The Zags aren’t deep, but when you’ve got a Quebecois named Pierre Marie Altidor-Cespedes in the low post with Abdullahi Kuso on the wing, you move on. Winner: Gonzaga.

UCLA v. Weber State: We love a pointless preposition (DeAndre Robinson) and a five-word name (Luc Richard Mbah a Moute). But even Walton and Alcindor would be overmatched against these names out of Mormon country. Jake Orchard, Jamaine Nance, Dezmon Harris, Ty Sparrow, Brody Van Brocklin, Daviin Davis, Juan Pablo Silveira and G.B. Burningham. Winner: Weber State.

Second Round
Villanova over Niagara. Bilal? Casiem? What the fuck?
Southern Illinois over Virginia Tech. The Coop and Kobby show.
Pitt over VCU. Levancing.
Weber State over Gonzaga. Plants, inane spellings, alliteration, birds, a random Z, repeated vowels.

Third Round
Southern Illinois over Villanova. Told Larry David he invented the Kobby Salad.
Weber State over Pitt. Not Levancing.

Regional Final
Weber State over Southern Illinois. Daviin into the Final Four.

Friday, March 16, 2007

NCAA Names: Midwest Region

With voting for the 2007 Name of the Year well underway—keep those ballots coming!—we decided to take a look at that other tournament, the one played with ``student-athletes,'' an orange ball and Greg Gumbel. Over the next few days, we'll break down the field. Let's start with the Midwest Region.

Florida v. Jackson State: The Tigers start Caraiva Givens (powerful first name), Garrison Johnson (nice rhyming) and Kay Martinez (girl’s name). The Gators aren’t deep—Joakim Noah would be a fine name if he weren’t so annoying—but they have a big star in Marreese Speights, a sure 2008 NOTY nominee. Winner: Florida.

Arizona v. Purdue: Lots of depth on Lute Olson’s team with Jawann McLellan, Mohamed Tangara, Mustafa Shakur and Fendi Onobun. Purdue, typically, is slow and dull. When your stud is Tarrance Crump, you’re going down. Winner: Arizona.

Butler v. Old Dominion: No one’s advancing very far. Butler’s got Julian Betko—is that a gambling website?—and Brandon Crone. ODU counters with Marsharee Neely, Abdi Lidonde and Brandon Johnson. Marsharee, amor. Winner: ODU.

Maryland v. Davidson: Too bad someone has to lose. Maryland stars D.J. Strawberry (sister: Diamond), Bambale Osby, Ekene Ibekwe and Greivis Vasquez. In addition to Boris Meno, Max Paulhus Gosselin, Lamar Hull and Andrew Lovedale, Davidson’s lineup poses a question: Can Civi? He's from Istanbul, not Constantinople. Winner: Maryland.

Notre Dame v. Winthrop: Golden Dome, tin names. Rudy would start on this team. Winthrop is front-loaded with Mantoris Robinson, Torrell Martin and De’Andrew Adams. On and off the court, the Irish are losers. Winner: Winthrop.

Oregon-Miami (Ohio): Mid-major names: Alex Moosmann, Sean Mock, Monty St. Clair. Oregon, meanwhile, is a forest of redwoods: Malik Hairston, Maarty Leunen, Tajuan Porter, LeKendric Longmire, Joevan Catron. And, with Chamberlain Oguchi and Churchill Odia, they can win any debate about World War II! Winner: Oregon.

UNLV-Georgia Tech: Would Tark have slipped envelopes stuffed with cash to a Rene (Rougeau), a Gaston (Essenque) and an Efrem (Lawrence)? Is the Rebels’ JoVan Adams related to Oregon’s Joevan Catron? Georgia Tech has it all: first names, last names, an apostrophe, a hypen. Lewis Clinch, Javaris Crittenton, Ra-Sean Dickey, Paco Diaw, D’Andre Bell, Jeremis Smith, Zach Peacock, Alade Aminu. To quote Mr. Slinger in Lilly's Purple Plastic Purse, wow, all we can say is wow. Winner: Georgia Tech.

Wisconsin-Texas A&M Corpus Christi: Even Brent Musberger wouldn’t get excited about this game. Now starting ... Joe Krabbenhoft. TAMCC sounds like a pension fund and its roster is about as exciting. Winner: Both teams disqualified.

Second Round
Florida over Arizona. Can you hear the crowd? Mar-reeeeese!
Maryland over ODU. With a Strawberry on top.
Oregon over Winthrop. Did Maarty Leunen buy a vowel?
Georgia Tech (bye).

Third Round
Maryland over Florida. But Marreese is a lock for all-tournament team.
Oregon over Georgia Tech. Peace in our time.

Regional Final
Oregon over Maryland. Appeasing no one.

Friday, March 9, 2007

Your Official 2007 NOTY Ballot

NOTY proudly presents the Official 2007 Name of the Year Ballot.

To download a ballot and register your vote, click here and follow the simple instructions.

To view and print the ballot, click on the image to your left.

Ballots must be returned by March 31.

Bracket-by-bracket seedings and analysis below.

As our fascinated-all-evening waitress remarked as the NOTY Seeding Committee was bundling up to leave its gathering place in lower Manhattan last night, ``Thank you for Gertrude Nipple.''

And we, in turn, thank you, Gertrude Nipple.

2007 NOTY: Chrotchtangle Regional

1 Vanilla Dong
16 Chanel Gemini

8 Doris Morris
9 Unique Grant

5 Margharita Pigeon
12 Bung Mac

4 De’Cody Fagg
13 Chief Kickingstallionsims

3 Gelo Orange
14 Zhaneta Bozo

6 Simpson Rushing
11 Sasha Junk

7 Solomon HorseChief
10 Demetria Crumbly

2 Thankful Vanderstar
15 Ramarcus Dickerson

Not Joe Lunardi's Bracket Analysis:

After three No. 1 seeds are selected, Committee Member Neg says: ``What about Vanilla Dong?’’ ... Solomon HorseChief: underseeded at No. 7? ... Thankful Vanderstar comes up as a possible No. 2. Committee Member TFH doesn't like it, is overruled and makes a bold prediction: ``I’ll tell you right now. Thankful Vanderstar will not be in the Top 10.’’ Watch out, TFH, Justice Department lawyers don't mess around ... No. 6 Simpson Rushing could kill in this bracket.

2007 NOTY: Dragonwagon Regional

1 Yourhighness Morgan
16 Cynammon Burns

8 Destinee Hooker
9 U Nu

5 Alibaba Odd
12 Jazzmen Guy

4 Phyre Quickly Burns
13 Ottilia Eycleshimer

3 Adrienne Cumbus
14 Nature Johnson

6 Pinckney Pinchback
11 Joe Favorito

7 Princess Perdue
10 Co-Eric Riley

2 Outerbridge Horsey
15 Leftonred Atanycorner

Not Joe Lunardi's Bracket Analysis:

``She’s got poetry,’’ Committee Member TFH says of Adrienne Cumbus. ``In motion,’’ adds Committee Member STW ... Genuflect with us in the direction of No. 1 Yourhighness Morgan ... High Commissioner: ``Phyre Quickly Burns is a classic four. Look under complete sentences.’’ ... Sister Cynammon Burns dissed by the Seeding Committee ... High C: ``Princess Perdue has alliteration, she’s got chicken, she’s got last year’s winner [Princess Nocandy]. She’s got a lot going for her.’’ Maybe not her poetry ... Late nominees Alibaba Odd and Jazzmen Guy square off in a 5-12: Overdog beware ... Destinee Hooker: More than just a Face in the Crowd ... Leftonred Atanycorner’s invented, though legal, name, chronicled in The New Yorker, sparked debate. TFH: ``Did you see what he does? He walks around the city looking for bad traffic signs.’’ High C: ``He should be on the NOTY Committee.’’

2007 NOTY: Sithole Regional

1 Mario Hilario
16 Eugene Heavy Runner

8 Lovie Lilly
9 Cetera DeGraffenreid

5 Wisdom Bleboo
12 Babu Chalamala

4 Kyle Sackrider
13 Oxide Pang

3 Conceptualization Gibbs
14 Anita Fiel

6 LeQuantum McDonald
11 Jamarion Cavness

7 Sa’Coby Carter
10 Quantavius Sturdivant

2 Maserati Jemison
15 Brett Bucktooth

Not Joe Lunardi’s Bracket Analysis:

You stay classy, Providence! Mario Hilario is a No. 1! ... Committee Member TFH: ``What was [1999 NOTY nominee] Roman Yahola seeded? Can we not learn our lesson and give Anita Fiel her due?'' Committee Member STW: ``She’s no Roman Yahola.'' ... Good thing they didn't serve dinner on a tray: Conceptualization Gibbs falls to a three seed ... No. 2 Maserati Jemison: He's got a lot of Maserati in him and litle bit of (Hall of Name member Largest) Agbejemison ... The waitress loved No. 5 Wisdom Bleboo--and you best not mess with Wisdom Bleboo ... As always, tough 8-9 matchup: Cetera DeGraffenreid is standing up--and throwing it down--for Latin scholars everywhere, but Lovie Lilly will try to send her to the principal's office.

2007 NOTY: Bulltron Regional

1 Intelligent Infinite Botts
16 Taz Knockum

8 Tyson Mao
9 John Bulcock

5 Michelangelo X Ball Van Zee
12 Tekerrion Cuba

4 Zaire Kitchen
13 Mister Taylor

3 Gertrude Nipple
14 Windham Rotunda

6 D. Zeke Ezekowitz
11 Remus Stefan

7 Basil Hero
10 Taiwan Easterling

2 Ayo Yayo
15 Lady Comfort

Not Joe Lunardi's Bracket Analysis:

Intelligent Infinite Botts: No. 1 seed in the tournament, unanimous choice of the four-member NOTY Seeding Committee ... His accomplice in juvenile delinquency, Mister Taylor, gets a No. 13; brother Sir Taylor left off ballot ... Yo, Taz Knockum? Can you be the first 16 to defeat a 1? ... After first half of field seeded, Committee Member TFH asks: ``Is it time for a phallic entry?’’ The High Commissioner replies: ``It’s always time for a phallic entry.’’ Enter John Bulcock ... We are totally ayo (fifth definition) for No. 2 Ayo Yayo ... Basil Hero: You're going need more help in NOTY than you will in your marriage ... High C: ``Is Gertrude Nipple a No. 1?’’ In the bosom of name-love, yes: old-school first name, sexually suggestive surname. In a strong NOTY field, though, a deserving No. 3 ... Geography gets its rightful due: No. 4 Zaire Kitchen and No. 10 Taiwan Easterling ... Committee Member TFH: ``Lady Comfort is a born 15.’’ And she can shoot the rock!

Thursday, March 8, 2007

We're Thinking About Calling It `March Madness'

Let the Road to the Final Four begin!

The Name of the Year Committee meets tonight at an undisclosed bar in Tribeca to seed the field for the 2007 NOTY Tournament. Sixty-four deserving names—no play-in game in NOTY—in four regions named to honor some all-time greats, just like they used to do in the National Hockey League, only funnier and recognized by more people.

We’ve got the Bulltron Regional, after 1992 Name of the Decade Assumption Bulltron, a convict; the Chrotchtangle Regional, for 1991 Name of the Year Doby Chrotchtangle, a friend of the genius who also discovered Bulltron, a twofer nomination that might never never be surpassed; the Sithole Regional, for 1985 Name of the Year Godfrey Sithole, who has a doctrine named after him; and the Dragonwagon Regional, for 1993 Name of the Year Crescent Dragonwagon (above), a prolific author who, more important, changed her name as a teenager.

We invited anchorman and 2007 nominee Mario Hilario to do the play-by-play at tonight's event, but he has to get up early tomorrow to host NBC 10 Weekend Sunrise in Providence, R.I., and putter in his garden.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Wonder If They Considered `Mardy'

Big news out of Denver tonight: Melo's a Dad!

And even bigger news? His Girl’s a Nominee!

We here at NOTY would like to be the first to congratulate MTV veejay La La Vasquez, fiancee of Denver Nuggets scorer and New York Knick puncher Carmelo Anthony. La La bagged two major life achievements in one day (not necessarily in order of importance): birthing a son and getting nominated for Name of the Year.

According to the Rocky Mountain News:

The couple has known for some time the child would be a boy, so they chose the name Kiyan (pronounced Kai-ann) and Melo painted his son's room nautical blue. Kiyan weighs 5 pounds, 9 ounces and is 18 1/2 inches long.

Little Kiyan was born at 1:35 p.m. Mountain time and mother and child are doing... Hold on. Kiyan Anthony? KiyanAnthony … Kiyanthony! Do we have the youngest nominee in NOTY history?

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

A'Jami, Sa'Coby. Sa'Coby, A'Jami.

It warmed our hearts to read Harvey Araton of the New York Times trashing college hoops announcers (subscription required) for the volume (both meanings) of pointless NCAA tournament ``bubble'' commentary.

But when it comes to the NOTY Tournament, we live for bubble babble. Here are some pressing issues as the nomination deadline approaches this week:

--Is Boston Theodore Williams just too contrived to make the final field of 64 names? Or does the unseasonably cold weather make us subconsciously sympathetic to Williams's nomination?

--Will NOTY acquaintance Joe Favorito make the tournament on the Joe Italiano Doctrine, which holds that Godfather-related coolness goes a long way? Will his new job as v.p. of marketing for the International Fight League improve his chances?

--How high will punctuation carry A’Mod Ned, De’Cody Fagg, Sa’Coby Carter and A’Jami Guyton in the seedings?

--Is Cetera DeGraffenreid an E and a T short of greatness?

--Will Taiwan Easterling get a high seed based on the Geography Doctrine?

--Is Dorris Morris the heir to 1985 nominee Clinton Hinton?

--Can Brook Barefoot walk in the footsteps of 1985er Billy Broadfoot?

--Is Gelo Orange?

That we can answer. Sometimes.

You're With Me, Yetta

Last year, baby-name ``wizard’’ Laura Wattenberg picked what she called a ``Name of the Year.’’ Let’s leave aside for now the legal implications of appropriating our 24-year-old brand name (Editor: We're kidding) and break down the Final Fours of the competing tournaments.

First, the kiddies:

--Emmett. Like the clown? No, Wattenberg means like ``Emmett Smith,’’ the ``retired football star.’’ Great! Except it's Emmitt Smith. Wattenberg writes: ``[S]o who cares that you set the all-time NFL rushing record? You're nobody til you're a reality tv star.’’ That sound? Us stabbing ourselves in the eye with a fork.

--Miley. Some kid actor on a cable show we’ve never heard of apparently has this dopey name. Wattenberg says it’s ``a natural extension of Riley, Kiley et al.’’ Mom, dad, this is Piley. I mean Tiley. Filey? Qiley? Hold on, that last one’s kind of cool.

--Addison. Not much to make fun of here, expert Wattenberg's endorsement on the grounds that Addison is—here we go again—the name of someone who appears on television, in this case a fake someone. Big name for 2007: Turtle.

And Wattenberg’s winner:

--Shiloh. Tabloid celebrities saddle kid with name of Civil War battle in which 3,482 killed, 19,102 wounded, and 3,844 captured or missing. Why not Antietam? My Lai? Normandy? Lutsk? ``While other celebrities earn snickers for their unconventional choices,’’ Wattenberg says, ``nobody's laughing at the Jolie kids.’’ Except us, and every other normal person.

OK. Now the 2006 NOTY Final Four:

--Yetta Furman Burman. Old world/new slang first name, followed by rhyming surnames. Can be used in sportscasts when mocking ESPN’s ear-splitting, nickname-dropping Chris Berman. You’re with me, Yetta.

--Gordon Cobbledick. Classic coupling of one common name and one fabulous name. Bonus points: Gordo was a baseball writer back in the day.

--Singeng Balwinder. Yes, more sophomoric humor. And a pronunciation issue. Sometimes you just hold your nose and pull the lever.

And the 2006 Name of the Year:

--Princess Nocandy. Just imagine what the queen is withholding.

Monday, March 5, 2007

We Just Wanted to Type His Name Again

So we were thinking some more about Lucius Pusey and wanted to clarify. The real problem isn’t that the Eastern Illinois linebacker legally changed his name or that he might flip us the bird. It’s the pronunciation.

You know it, we know it, he certainly knows it. Lucius Pusey is not pronounced how we all (well, not him) would like it to be pronounced. Lucius is surely just LOO-shus and Pusey more than likely poo-SAY. Which raises what's known here at NOTY as the Sithole Doctrine.

Way back in 1985, the NOTY winner was a fellow named Godfrey Sithole. How do you say his surname? Our post-adolescent lives consumed by beer, Nerf basketball and Atari skiing, we may not have known the exact pronunciation, or had much desire to find it out. But we sure as hell knew it wasn’t SIT-hole. (Turns out it’s sih-TOE-lay.)

Nevertheless, most members of the NOTY Committee chose to suspend disbelief and pull the trigger for Godfrey.

We did it again in 2001, electing anti-apartheid activist Tokyo Sexwale (left), which isn't spoken the way it's spelled. In 1998, we gave Falik Schtroks—certainly not ``phallic strokes''—a No. 6 seed; his first-round opponent was No. 11 Johnny Dickshot. (Dickshot finished fourth, Schtroks eleventh.) In 2005, Anus Alcoglu and Sheila Dikshit both finished in the Top 10. In 1996, in a clear act of provocation, we even nominated another Sithole, Zimbabwean liberation fighter Ndabaningi Sithole.

The dilemma here, obviously, is what to do with non-Anglo names: Go native or go phonetic? We personally think a name loses credibility when spelling is exploited for pronunication. On the other hand: 2006 runner-up Singeng Balwinder.

Back to the Sitholes. A poster on the excellent website Language Hat recounted a story about a radio newsreader friend ``who, unfamiliar with the politics of Zimbabwe,'' asked how to pronounce Ndabaningi Sithole.

Our coaching session produced confident locution but unfortunately on air it all fell apart. The "Ndabaningi" part went ok but, to the embarassment [sic] of all, his family name became Shit-Hole.

I now know never to tell someone in such a situation what the pronounciation [sic] definitely isn't.

Hmm. Maybe we shouldn’t assume we know how to say ``Lucius Pusey'' after all.

Sunday, March 4, 2007

Ayo for the NOTY

A few late sports-world nominees before we seed the 2007 Name of the Year Tournament later this week:

--Solomon HorseChief. Point guard, University of the Pacific. All-State at Tahlequah Sequoyah H.S. in Tahlequah, Okla. All-Bi State League at Redlands C.C. in El Reno, Okla. All-Name at 2007 NOTY Tournament? Only time will tell. (Thanks to College Hoops Net.)

--Kyle Sackrider. ``Third-year walk-on adds depth at tight end,'' Michigan State tells us. Also adds depth to NOTY nominee pool.

--Alibaba Odd. 6-3 forward from Simon Gratz H.S. in Philadelphia. By the way, we love that these league rosters include nicknames. Thaddeus ``Boobie’’ Fauntleroy isn’t getting much run over at University City, but he’ll get a good look here. (Thanks to NOTY Committee Member White Moses.)

--Chief Kickingstallionsims. The Stetson University 7-footer has been all over the Interwebs, naturally, but managed to slip through the very tiny cracks here at NOTY. (Thanks to NOTY commenter Jason.)

--Ayo Yayo. This Northeastern University wide receiver``will climb the depth chart as he continues to learn the system.’’ More important, he’ll climb the NOTY seedings. Full disclosure: We’re so old we didn’t know the Andre Nickatina song, or had even heard of Andre Nickatina, or knew the meaning of ``ayo'' or ``ayo for the yayo.’’ (Thanks to The Realests.)

Can We Get Fries With That Name?

Friday night. The Very Pregnant Mrs. High Commissioner is jonesing for junk food. So we—just the High C, that is; Mrs. C stayed home with Kid One and Kid Two—swallow Cocktail One and drive the minivan to White Castle.

We're on line, staring numbly at the menu, trying to decide whether it's six jalapeno cheeseburgers tonight or just five. Our eyes drift to the New Manager sign. And a smile slowly emerges, Grinch-like, as we discover that the food our 37-week-old fetus-baby will soon receive through mommy’s blood is in the sure hands of MONEY MOORE.

``Is Money in tonight?’’ we ask, craving one of the rarest NOTY experiences, meeting a nominee in person.

``Left at five. Why?’’

``Business card?’’

``Uh uh."

``Never mind.’’

Friday, March 2, 2007

A Lucius Link

Thanks to NOTY friend Will Leitch of Deadspin for steering name-lovers in our direction today. Our first link! Now don't let us down, Deadspinners. Nominees! We need nominees!

Some Deadspin commenters wondered why Lucius Pusey wasn't in the 2007 preview. Well, we got the memo, but Lucius may or may not make the 64-name field. First, as previously reported, the sleuths at The Smoking Gun unearthed his legal name-change papers. Second, call us, um, wimps, but, given Lucius's email to Deadpsin, we think a little caution might be in order:

when i make it to the league i will shoot a middle finger at yall and say fuck all my haters.. i am the realest, and my name is Lucius Seymour get it right!!

We understand. You're the rare man who would prefer to be known as Seymour.

Sylvester Croom Sure Can Recruit

Our friends at the D.C. Sports Bog did a superb job evaluating the ample name talent inked by our nation’s ball coaches on football signing day last month: Windham Rotunda, Sampson Genus, Simpson Rushing. Deep in the comments section, poster Kerwin4two notes that Mississippi State is assembling one helluva incoming class.

--Co-Eric Riley: "My strengths are running the ball and going up against anyone one-on-one," Co-Eric says. And by that he means any name.

--Jazzmen Guy: ``He has good size and quickness,’’ reports. And a name as smooth as a Paul Desmond solo.

--Urban-legend-no-more Mike Hunt: ``While all 20 visitors on campus appeared to have a great time over the weekend,’’ a Bulldogs site writes of a recent recruiting-class visit, ``one in particular didn't get quite enough.’’

Must have been some weekend.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

2007 NOTY Preview

We're packing up the 2007 Name of the Year Tournament nominees and preparing to Sol Seid (third place, 2002; inside joke) them next week at an Undisclosed Bar in Lower Manhattan. To wet your whistles before we wet ours, here's an early look at some strong contenders in this year's 64-name field:

--Intelligent Infinite Botts. Lock No. 1 seed. Not doing as well in the rest of his life, though. From the Albany Times-Union last year:

ALBANY -- While most adolescents navigate their first year of high school, one city youth will have his own learning experience behind bars.

Intelligent Infinite Botts, 14, had already served a yearlong sentence in the 2005 stabbing of a fellow Philip Livingston Magnet Academy student.

Now, after violating probation--and pleading guilty Oct. 6 to the August assault of a city 12-year-old--Botts is headed back to jail for 15 months.

"The only hope we have for this young man to return to society and not commit any more acts of violence is that he gets some education and programs over the next 15 months," said Albany County District Attorney David Soares.

Winning NOTY couldn't hurt.

Oh, the names of two other kids involved in the original stabbing? The twins Sir and Mister Taylor.

--Tyson Mao. This guy has a little Mike Tyson in him and a lot of Mao Zedong. (And he'll kick your ass at Rubik's Cube.) As anyone who's ever had a malletheaded argument at a bar can tell you, sports and politics is a combustible mix. A No. 1 or 2.

--Lovie Lilly. A good, tradition-steeped football name—think the illegitimate son of Lovie Smith and Bob Lilly--that also manages to retain a light touch. Top-four seed.

--Gertrude Nipple. You've got female sexuality in this name--well, a body part, anyway--and that's pretty rare in an era where most sex names come from the Y chromosome crowd.

--Phyre Quickly Burns. A whole goddamn sentence. Texas high-school football phenom--and brother of not-too-shabby-herself American University volleyballer Cynammon Burns. Top-seed material.

--Conceptualization Gibbs. Some NOTY Committee members look askance on one-name wonders. But it's going to be hard to dismiss this sure-fire No. 1, who was convicted of hitting an upstate New York prison guard in the head with a food tray. Conceptualize this.

--In the same category, Nature Johnson, Ralph Pickles, Unique Grant and the previously discussed Yourhighness Morgan. If we're YM's manager, we're tapping the Brit royalty mojo of last year's winner, Princess Nocandy.

--Outerbridge Horsey. We're riding this top-two over to the seeding meeding. Giddyup.

Got a last-minute nominee? Check back late next week for the full ballot.

Final 64

Print out a blank NCAA tournament bracket. Remove all hoops references. Paste on NOTY logo. Insert pairings as determined by NOTY Seeding Committee.

That's what we did when the High Commissioner was struck with the genius idea to turn our little annual vote into a 64-name extravaganza. That was in 1998, well before bracketology became the new Rock Paper Scissors. (Shameless plug: We contributed an entry, though not about names, to The Enlightened Bracketologist, a just-out book that applies NOTY principles to the rest of life.)

Bang it here to see the 2006 NOTY ballot.

Ain't Life Hilario?

Rhyming never hurt a name's chances. Clinton Hinton was before his time: an NOTY nominee in 1985 who would have rocked the vote seven years later. Shula Hula had it going both ways, and finished third in 1996. First place that year? Honka Monka, verified with a phone call.

With that in mind, we give you 2007 nominee Mario Hilario, a Channel 10 News anchorman in Providence, R.I.

According to his bio, when Mario isn't hosting NBC 10 Weekend Sunrise, ``he enjoys working out and puttering in his garden. He also enjoys dancing, cooking and eating!''

NOTY Nominee Communications Committee Chairman Neg--who made the call to Honka Monka's house and chatted electronically with Crescent Dragonwagon--recently dropped Mario a line:

Dear Mr. Hilario,

You have been nominated for entry into the Name of the Year (NOTY) Tournament 2007. As Chairman of the Nominee Communications Committee I have been asked to contact you regarding your nomination. I would appreciate it if you would respond to the following questions.

1. Is Mario Hilario your legal name?
2. Was Mario Hilario your name at birth?
3. How often do you putter in your garden?


[The Neg]

As the great Laszlo Toth said, you write letters, you get letters back.

1. Yes
2. Yes
3. Not as often as I should!

Mario Hilario: a solid six seed.

All Aboard the Dragonwagon

When children's book/cookbook author Crescent Dragonwagon was nominated for NOTY back in 1993, she was pretty much a mortal lock to win. And she did.

Thirteen years later, though, an NOTY Committee member was shocked to discover that she wasn't born Crescent Dragonwagon at all, but rather Ellen Zolotow. Not much of a name that, by NOTY standards.

So. Valid or not? Some Committee members argued no: bullshit, made-up name. Some argued that a legal name change makes a legal name, and Dragonwagon herself makes clear that her name change might have been a regrettable act of youthful folly, but it was legal. Hey, some of us drink too much beer and throw up in Ben Franklin's lap, others change their name to Crescent Dragonwagon.

But here at NOTY we demand more verification than a website. To clear things up, Committee Member Neg emailed the author (whose mother, Charlotte Zolotow, by the way, wrote the terrific book Mr. Rabbit's Lovely Present, illustrated by Maurice Sendak, which we read to our kid), including the traffic among the Committee members:

Dear Ms. Dragonwagon,

I thought you might be interested to learn about the controversy currently surrounding your winning the 1993 Name of the Year (NOTY) contest and your subsequent induction with the inaugural class into the Hall of Name (HON) in 2000.


[The Neg]

Dragonwagon, bless her heart, wrote back.

This is hilarious! I had no idea.

For what it's worth, in terms of verity... Mine is my legal name (I always remember the legal documents, which gave about 8 alternate names... you know, Crescent Dragonwagon AKA Crescent Parsons AKA Ellen Zolotow AKA Ellen Parsons... ``prays for an order of court.'' Prays!). And as I guess some of your august persons have discovered that on my website, you can click a button that says ``Is that your real name?''

From your e-dresses you sound like a very distinguished bunch. If slightly distressed that you have nothing better to do with your time, I am nonetheless honored. I only wish I had known earlier, so I could have gloated in my achievement more.

Thank you.

Remaining proud to hold aloft the Dragonwagon escutcheon,


The NOTY High Commissioner validated her name, and her honors, and immediately nominated her ex-husband, Crispin Dragonwagon.

One thing, Crescent: You're only slightly distressed?

No, They Are the Greatest

Nothing boosts the credibility of a name like air-tight verification. Here's the supporting documentation for two legends: 1992 Name of the Decade winner Assumption Bulltron and 1991 Name of the Year Doby Chrotchtangle. Both were first-ballot Hall of Name inductees.

We Are (One of) the Greatest

Big love from NOTY friend Dan Steinberg, author of the continually excellent, model of what an MSM sports site should be D.C. Sports Bog.

And to think, this was for the old site.

What say you now, Bog boy?

Let's Hope He Marries Queen Latifah

The NOTY Seeding Committee is scheduled to meet next week in a secret location (a bar in lower Manhattan) to fill the brackets for the 2007 tournament. This young fella will be a strong candidate for a No. 1 slot.

Hot Florida football recruit Yourhighness Morgan doesn't have it ``going both ways'' in NOTY parlance, that is, he lacks a strong name at both ends. But as NOTY friend and first-time (though inadvertent) nominator Will Leitch of Deadspin points out, the juxtaposition of a remarkable first name and a pedestrian last name is pretty sweet.

When the tournament rolls around, a lot of names will be bowing to Yourhighness.

Final Standings: 1994

1. Mummenschontz Bitterbeetle 31 points (3 first-place votes)*
2. Scientific Mapp 19 (2)
3. Souvenir Callwood 15 (1)
Majestic Mapp
Horace Morris
Tyrone Malone
Tyrone Manlove
Omm’a Givens
Shea Cotton
Joe Bizarro
Ham Biggar
Buff Chalk
Buster Large
Ganja Stone
Abdul Abdullah
Angel Ponce de Leon
Rashid Brokenborough
Sunshine Overcamp
Elwood Headley

*Mummenschontz Bitterbeetle was INVALIDATED in 2006.

Final Standings: 1996

1. Honka Monka 46 points (7 first-place votes)
2. Rod Cockshut 31 (3)
3. Shula Hula 28 (1)
4. Mummenschontz Bitterbeetle 22 (2)*
5. Ndabaningi Sithole 12
5. Stylish Willish 12
7. Justice Suing 7
8. Esther Sylvester 6
9. DeJuan Wheat 4
9. Lloyd Mangaroo 4
11. Johnny Economy 1
12. God Shammgod 0

*Mummenschontz Bitterbeetle was a write-in candidate because the NOTY Committee apparently forgot that he was the reigning Name of the Year. He was INVALIDATED in 2006.

Final Standings: 1997

1. Courage Shabalala 37 points (2 first-place votes)
2. Shango Hango 30 (1)
3. Moses Regular 28 (2)
4. Perfect Love 20 (2)
5. Reggie Tongue 17 (1)
6. Chevy Van Pickup 16 (2)
7. Souleymane Wayne 14
Lawyer Milloy
Jermel President
Robert Architect
Boubaka Aw
Rubin Boumtje-Boumtje
Mwaka Makungo
Wodago Mogues
Sunday Adebayo
Chasity Melvin
Princess Caesar
Antar Parkman
Julian Dunkley
Alico Dunk
Xavier Negroni
Akm Hoque
Tanoka Beard
Homer Bush
Daymeon Fishback
Bayonne Taty
Tremayne Cousin
Arquimedes Pozo
Michael J. Petis DeMange
Candy Puffer
Vito Mundo
Ataveus Cash
Hubert Register
Phenizee Ransom
Mateen Cleaves
JeVon Kilgo
Umberto Guido

Final Standings: 1998

1. L.A. St. Louis 276 points
2. Paris London 210
3. Fidelio Tata 189
4. Johnny Dickshot 120
5. Sayonara Lopez 119
6. Quincy Knuckles 117
7. Summer Erb 101
8. Tito Mahones 98
9. Reality Way 94
10 Vuyani Bungu 93
11. Attila Cosby 87
12. Adrian Chilliest 85
12. Vernon Kills on Top 85
12. Apollo Ohno 85
15. Dick Held 83
16. Falik Schtroks 82
17. Granville Toogood 67
18. Stoney Irmschwiller 62
19. Nightingale Fong 59
20. Korleone Young 55
21. Swin Cash
22. China Chow
23. Hatherly Cumberbatch
24. Pinkey Bhagwagar
25. Monquencio Hardnett
26. Damien Baskerville
27. Big Hong Ng
28. Homer Ruth
29. Dexter Coakley
30. Lady Hardmon
31. Moe Segar
32. Pandora Calhoun
33. Jamison Float
34. Tony Morocco
35. Lamont Mungo
36. Knowledge Renwick
37. Lavar Daisy
38. Columbus Bentley
39. Joey Nation
40. R-Kal Trueluck
41. Kaheem Draper
42. Antjonne Holmes
43. Tang Hamilton
44. Hanna Hong
45. Ronell Blizzard
46. K’Zell Wesson
47. Rafal Bigus
48. Vonteego Cummings
49. Ken-Yon Rambo
50. Ronuald Rat
51. Jerkisha Dosty
52. Lovee McKinney
53. Ezekiel Zagar
54. Ja’mine Rozell
55. Donte Quinine
56. Rashon Burno
57. Ajou-Ajou Deng
58. Xiofranis Garib
59. Jabarra Izzy Mandela
60. Treminio Yeates
61. Nyoka Mundle
62. Euiwon Chough
63. Muntrelle Dobbins
64. Mate Milisa

Final Standings: 1999

1. Licentious Beastie 356 points (6 first-place votes)*
2. Dick Surprise 299 (2)
3. Olive McWeeney 263 (3)
4. Maximum Havoc Steinberg 220 (2)
5. Babypaz de la Vega Jr. 207 (2)
6. Cleopatra Valentine 155 (1)
7. North East West 141 (1)
8. Rev. Canaan Banana 134
9. Dr. Barney Softness 132 (2)
10. Nucleus Smith 121
11. Wynn Dough 114 (1)
12. Unique Wigfall 105
13. Dr. Jihad Slim 93
14. Pie Friendly 80
15. Bulu Sheikh 75
15. Velvet English 75
17. Roman Yahola 70
18. Zachary Krotchtengel 64
19. Maneck Contractor 63
19. Shawnson Johnson 63
21. Bella Mirabella
22.Fabio Fallico
23. Kermit Rainman
24. Nable Yaya Coulibaly
25. Lester Kills on Top
26. Cleon Butterfield
27. Fido Willybiro
28. Turbo Tumo
29. Brooklyn Rivera
30. Bea Swarm
31. Boomer Brazzle
32. Bob Cum
33. Lavon Yoho
34. Gates Peed
35. Broderick Jew
36. Viva Light
37. Demond Mallet
38. Priscilla Prunella
39. Marina Corp Bonus
40. Jim Huge
41. Novice Nelson
42. Commie Peebles
43. Pollyanna Sailor
44. Banga Balakrishna
45. Maverick Valandra
46. Purvis Pasco
47. Omar Bungo
48. Moses Street
49. Quintarrius Hodges
50. Purisima Cataquiz
51. Sundance Wicks
52. Haiawatha Phifer
53. Dick Macedonia
54. Darmetrius Kilgore
55. Bingo Merriex
56. Clay Countryman
57. Ginger Pilgrim
58. Malcom Halcomb
59. Yvonne Spicer
60. Jomo Cousins
61. Jamal Caterina
62. Chang Chang
63. Priest Holmes
64. Olajuwon Martin

*Licentious Beastie was INVALIDATED in 2006.

Final Standings: 2000

1. Nimrod Weiselfish 405 points (6 first-place votes)
2. June Poon 354 (4)
3. Preserved Fish 191 (3)
4. Huckleberry Seed 189 (2)
5. Baby Sneha 182 (2)
6. Timber Dick 175 (2)
7. Swivel Herring 157 (1)
8. Joe Loser Jr. 140
9. Meehang Yu 136 (1)
10. Velvet Pillot 111 (1)
11. Knowledge Johnson
12. Bangladesh Ambassador Sweden*
13. Webb Earthman
14. Understanding Allah
15. General Galusha Pennypacker
16. Willie Waffle
17. Anthony Midget
18. Ambrosia Parsley
19. Bambi Francisco
20. Candy Outlaw
21. Dr. Constant Jose
22. Mike Growcock
23. Dick Shook
24. Sheila Snowball
25. Rabbi Noah Kitty
26. Carlester Crumpler
27. Chone Figgins
28. Talon Windwalker
29. Ingo Fast
30. Rusty Cox
31. Jabbar Dickerson
32. Trung Canidate
33. Joe Forehand
34. Monty Humble
35. Supreme Dow
36. Mars Mellish
37. Rocco Priimavera
38. Kennedy Melody
39. Taj Sunbo Salami
40. Inky Mark
41. Taffi Dollar
42. Da Bing Gong
43. Billy Bone
44. Candy Toy
45. Tedric Spicer
46. Antoine Sidberry
47. Maximo Regalado
48. Antuan Barkley
49. Tralawney Trublood
50. Sommer Boss
51. Papo Bolivar
52. Palmer Serfass
53. Othon Prounis
54. Sophie Wolfman
55. Andrei Vermont
56. Marqui Worthy
57. Kenneth Emancipator
58. Paprika Liddell
59. Gooley Orr
60. Pasqual Coco
61. Antonio Abigantus
62. Roosevelt Washington
63. Ebony Black
64. Normand Pizza

*Bangladesh Ambassador Sweden was INVALIDATED shortly after the voting.

Final Standings: 2001

1. Tokyo Sexwale 147 points (4 first-place votes)
2. Roseztia McConeyhead 110 (2)
3. Koko Archibong 71 (1)
4. William Olyphint Chuckerbuddy 61 (1)
5. Finesse Couch 45
6. Junior Agogo 43 (1)
7. GaWaNi Pony Boy 36
8. Nova Peris-Kneebone 34
9. Dudley Softly 33
10. Dick Grinnan 32
I-Perfection Harris
SirValiant Brown
Misty Hyman
Gentile Ferdinando
Earthwind Moreland
Washington Frimpong
Brandon Loverock
Butterfly Webb
Sharking Crudub
Bea. B. Bee
Girly Chew Hossencofft
Chuck Loveless
Hannelore Sweetwood
Myron Piggie
Dinko Bacun
Dick Wimpy
Rea Polster
Cleveland Brown
Bakare Bimbo
Joseph Dumfart
Raymond Smutco
Earley Reese
Monica Bronicka
Manuel Bong
Laxmi Baxi
Udo Erasmus
Awasum Junior
Shockmain Davis
Farah Butt
Freedom Neruda
Renato Donato Jr.
Cornelius Bull
Golden Whetman
Fantisha Singletart
Moses Ma
Maxim Muzykus
Rod Livengood
Revell Horsey
Termel Sledge
Kirby Pickle Jr.
Osbert Blow
Polk Lafoon IV
Virgil Hairgrove
Myron Magney
Shaboo McBrayer
Mean Mak
Guido Tritto
Bruna Santa Barbara
Jeremiah S. Jeremiah
Ima Hogg
Victor Dash

Final Standings: 2002

1. Miracle Wanzo 98
2. Habibi Zibi 94
3. Sol Seid 88
4. La’Keisha Laughinghouse 86
5. Infinite Bozeman 85
6. Fanny Poon 69
7. O.J. Mayo 52
8. Riuniti Rose 47
9. Mister Mann Frisby 44
9. Weiping Du 44
11. Reese Overcash 38
12. Sky Shineman 32
13. Heavenly Hicks 30
13. Do-Right John 30
15. Bongsoon Zubay 29
16. Ohm Youngmusik 26
16. Beethavean Scottland 26
18. Golden Higgwe 19
19. Learnmore Jongwe 15
20. Elvira Trinidad 13
20. Orpheus Crutchfield 13
22. Ian Ashole 12
23. Winslow Manly 11
23. Sharadkumar Dicksheet 11
23. Yokasta Pozo 11
26. Van Virtue 7
27. Aurora Honig 4
28. Danny Organ 2
29. Twig Mowatt 0
29. Faith Fortune 0
29. Alistair Tempest 0
29. Ranko Balog 0

Final Standings: 2003

1. Jew Don Boney Jr. 199 points (11 first-place votes)
2. Cleopatra Egypt 158 (4)
3. Felicity Frisbee 134 (2)
4. Lesbia Castro 90 (1)
5. Chapman Grumbles 68 (1)
6. Moses President 67
7. Dickson Poon 66
8. Reagan Pagan 55
9. Moses White 48
10. Q’Beashable Scott 44
11. An’Juan Wilderness 41 (1)
12. Teresita Dingding 38
12. Olwyn DePutron 38
14. Sparticus Hayward 36
15. Longar Longar 33
15. Ivory Sidberry 33
17. Issa Bagayoyo 30
18. Chester Kamenester 27
19. Emeka Iweka 22
20. Nehemiah Leftwich 19
21. Raven Roman 13
22. Marcy Karsey 12
23. London Houston 10
24. Charmaine Grenade 9
25. Vakeaton Wafer 7
25. Karma Cloud 7
27. Chris Wolfslayer 5
27. Chance Doverspike 5
29. Olivia Smashum 3
30. Tijuana Gardner 2
31. Terry Licorish 0
31. Pearl Bigfeather 0